Health wise, I honestly don't think I'll make it to 40. My body is inflamed, red & flushed constantly. I have high WBC & Lymphocytes & inflammation levels are high & have been the past year. Drs aren't looking into it. I don't have the energy anymore to keep fighting doctors to help me figure out what is going on in my body. It's hard to explain, but when you've been mistreated, invalidated & ignored so many times by the medical community...you become numb. I wish I could hire someone to advocate for me at my appointments, help call & find doctors for me, deal with insurance.
On a positive note, I have finally found my tribe (online) & am no longer afraid to say I am Autistic. There is zero doubt in my mind, after spending a year in support groups, talking among other Autistic women, researching and finally finding people I can relate to at 33 has been really great. I am slowly identifying issues I have & learning the reasons behind those issues. Looking back on my childhood so much makes sense. I read an article today about the differences in how we communicate. If you find me puzzling or can't quite "figure me out" this article may help a bit. <<Autistic Communication Differences>>
<< Exclusion= ableism & bullying >>
Another article that hit close to home talked about exclusion & it being a form of ableism & bullying. I have experienced this my entire life... surprisingly more as an adult. When I realized bullying doesn't stop in school (I believed this for some reason, that people grew out of it) I was so disappointed. I didn't know it was something I'll have to deal with the rest of my life. I was excluded & bullied because I am different and my guess is, people couldn't figure me out. They would misunderstand me a lot, my tones, what I was trying to articulate & when I would attempt to clarify, I'd be accused of back tracking, manipulating & of course when I'd try to deny I was doing that...well, obviously I wasn't believed.
College wasn't easy, socially either. I went to EIU freshman year not knowing a soul (I did not give myself enough credit to how courageous that was). I wanted a new start but quickly, was made aware again of how different I am from others. I kept thinking if so many people dislike me, I must be the problem right? I'm the constant variable. I felt I was the friend people felt obligated to invite along.
After college I hard a pretty terrible experience with a group of people. When I see the snide comments on my Facebook memories...I'm reminded about the bullets I dodged. I am glad I didn't fit in with the kind of people that kick others when they're down. I do regret the years I wasted trying for their acceptance, though.
Sometimes I’ll comment on some people's status on Facebook & frequently it'll go un-noticed/ignored while the OP responds to everyone else. I know people get busy & can't always respond or miss a comment, I'm not that sensitive, but when it happens with the same people repeatedly, it's hard not to take personally. I actually asked one of these people about this recently, and they said they don't know how to respond to me, so they just don't. Why is that acceptable? It makes me wonder why I bother even trying at all.
In social situations, I'll try contributing to a conversation & say something yet somehow no one hears me, they don't respond. I'll say it again, no response, and then someone else will say what I literally said & they get a huge response & laughs. I have a loud voice that is difficult to control, so I don't think it's that they're not hearing me. In my Autistic support groups, others said this commonly happens to them as well. This is ableism. Yes, even if these people don't know if someone is Autistic, it's Autistic traits they don't like/understand. People tend avoid what they don't understand. When what they don't understand is you, and they don't bother making an effort to understand you, it's hurtful.
I have spent my life trying to explain myself to people. Translating myself & trying to translate others. I have tried adjusting myself to what I thought others wanted me to be but I wasn't good enough at that, either. Why is it we are expected to conform to neurotypicals ways of socializing when we are struggling with an array of things neurotypicals do not struggle with? Maybe meet us in the middle and learn how we socialize & communicate, too?
I am now on a mission to discover who I am before who I was, was hammered down with shame & insecurity, the sad part is, that hammering started so young, I literally have no idea who I am. When you're constantly trying to adjust yourself for others, it's quite easy to lose yourself.
In the meantime I am going stir crazy. Chronic illness is isolating. So is exclusion. What I wouldn't give to have a friend come over once a week to play cards, color & chat about anything & everything.
I am really happy to be on this new journey to find myself & it's truly been eye opening. Imagine having all these issues, feeling like an outcast, always the problem, & realizing that I'm not an outcast, my brain just processes differently and, I am not alone. A lot of women are realizing they're Autistic between 30s & 40s now because more information has come out about how it presents in differently in females. I hope the next generation of Autistic girls aren't missed so they can get the support they need to thrive in life.
Hopefully I'll get back to being a little more consistent in my blogging. I also am going to start writing short stories for fun. I did it as a child and I think it'll be good creative stimulation for my brain. I have a book that gives a sentence to start a story with that'll help me get started.
Happy Monday! I can't believe it's almost the middle of August already. Yikes. I really need to update this a bit more.
