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As a child I had a weird hand and foot skin issue that no doctor could figure out. I got sick all the time. Tonsillitis, ear aches, any sickness going through the house it seemed. I had my tonsils taken out, and by college they had grown back, which isn’t all that uncommon. I remember my grandpa dying within the same year or 2 as my first dog. I have blocked out memories, which could be nothing, but could be something, of things that happened to me at 8/9 years old, the emotional flashbacks are telling me something happened. This isn't everything, this is everything I've shared thus far that I am currently willing & ready to share. There was constant physical, emotional & psychological abuse at home, I had multiple sexual abuse incidents before the age of 16. I'm not going to write about them all.
(1996) Puberty hit and of course wreaked havoc on my system because of the MTHFR also affects hormonal issues. I would be bullied starting in 5th grade, the year before puberty. I had one friend and I was okay with that, then I met some more friends and things were good. I was the friend everyone made fun of behind their back, at least I felt it. I was right, too, for some friends. It only made me sink into hating myself further. I’d overhear other bullies, I knew I was “slower to catch on” I thought it was because me being gullible and naïve. Now I’m beginning to realize it may have been because of anxiety, ADHD and possibly SPD, but maybe some more serious stuff. I’ll explain further how I have come to these conclusions. I am going to see experts to help me sort all this mess out, before proceeding. (I have symptoms of some serious stuff that won’t come up in bloodwork). Depression started with puberty. I struggled with major depression from puberty on. Anxiety was always an issue and traumas continued to stack onto one another. (I kept experiencing them so my brain kept releasing glutamate and cortisol in high amounts, once you experience trauma, those nerves that release those neurotransmitters & hormones, never go away, (but can be treated).
(2002) Around 15, I was diagnosed with frequent migraines and endometriosis (as far as they can without going in surgically). All throughout high school and well, high school was high school! Both wonderful times and horrible times. I didn’t get an interest into Psychology until High School and by then, the traumas were stacked too high for me to self-reflect. I didn’t know what to work on, so it contributed to me hating myself. I’d continue to listen to those who were rude to me as “constructive criticism” and the people that said nice things said that out of selfish reasons, because they couldn’t deal with saying the wrong thing and me taking my life. That is NOT how I wanted people to live.
(2004) The summer before college I had a possible minor stroke (TIA) after going on the giant drop at Great America (now that I know about this mutation I’m worried it may have been a stroke).
I started researching what could be wrong with me. Went to doctors that didn’t take me seriously because I don’t speak as intelligently as I am. (I am not claiming to be a genius but I understand how to research correctly and not believe everything I read (except of course the stereotyping when I feel it applies to me). I use stereotyping when I can’t think of a word, just for help. Some people take it the wrong way, I am working to prevent misunderstandings more.
(2006) I have had Mono, (Epstein Barr) virus and they couldn’t say for sure I had it then however the virus IS in my body, activated? I'll find out in March hopefully. I was also diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis (painful bladder disorder) also, around that time, I started into a very stressful and unhealthy relationship for two years. Stress feeds this virus basically, and this virus is in your system forever. It can bring on autoimmune disorders. This disease is horrible for those with my mutation. So I already know Epstein Barr is wandering around in my system for sure, have a feeling I have some kind of autoimmune disorder because of it.
(2008), I lose that first job I care actually about because they were looking to get me fired (I can accept that, and have moved on, but it is the truth). I lose health insurance. I go to a DR about my constant pain and migraines and he tosses me meds. Including Cymbalta and the highest dose of it, which paralyzes my brain from even creating serotonin, basically. He then sends me to a neurologist that gives me a topless breast exam which felt like hours.
(2009) The same doctor that put me trying to help manage my pain suddenly cuts me off, out of nowhere (maybe getting paranoid, being investigated, who knows.). I go through years of ups and downs trying to manage pain on my own, trying to find drs to listen to me to help me.
(Summer 2009) I graduate! I get a job working as a Mental Health Specialist dealing with those in a group home either going into a foster home or going back home. I was so excited to work with this a group. Not 2 weeks into me working with them was I beaten. The staff didn’t have faith that I would stay so they wouldn’t teach me the rules, but they’d leave me alone with girls and when the girls would ask me if they could do something, that so and so lets them, I didn’t know if it was true or not! Like substitute teaching, people and kids knew just how to take advantage of me. Then if they were caught, they would make it out to be my fault. The cycle of my entire life. Until now.
I struggled with keeping a job, because I
tried so hard, too hard, that when I got criticism or if someone was rude, it hurt me deeply and I’d get discouraged. Too much pressure, too much work, it was all too much for me. Now I understand why. But I didn’t for a good 10 years. Deaths have always had a huge effect on me, even if I never had a conversation with the person but knew someone who knew them. At some point, I switched to numb because I was so afraid of losing someone I love, in turn being afraid to get close to people, also.
(2014 April) My dear friend Pam passes away at 29 from breast cancer. She left behind two children and a husband. Family and many many dear friends.
(2014 October) I get a job at a place I LOVED. I also got picked to be on Chicago Fire as an extra for 4 days with make-up and everything! The boss at this job wouldn't let me start a week later so I could do this. My instincts told me before accepting the job, no, because I knew the supervisor and how she went about things. At first she liked me, so it was great. Then she’d yell at other people so badly and I saw how she treated other employees that I got petrified and was unable to perform simple tasks. I became so afraid of her and so afraid of making mistakes, I could no longer cope working there. It was the best job for me. I really hate that I let it get to me, but it is what it is. I become full time (for health insurance) and that put too much pressure on myself, as well as the pressure of a boss, trying to figure out health issues and also in a lot of pain. Sweating at a desk, miserably when everyone else was fine. (Auto immune symptoms). My entire head sweats where it looks like I went swimming. It's disgusting and mortifying. I couldn't keep a job without sweating through my clothes and I looked so disgusting and not professional.
But, I will be judged the rest of my life, and especially on Medicaid, yit seems we aren't even “supposed” to get pain meds because it’s a luxury & Medicaid doesn't pay the hospital. We are not high priority.
They give me the cocktail without the pain med and I go home and try to sleep. Of course it doesn't work. Ending Day 6 with 5 nights no sleep, I go back to the same hospital, now I am panicked, my migraines usually end day 4 at the worst and I never go 5 full nights with NO sleep. Hormonal migraines can put me at a much higher stroke risk as well. Still refuse to give me the full cocktail. They don’t run scans or tests either. The nurse finally comes back in and puts something in my IV and I say “wait, what is that?” before she answered it was in my IV and going through my system and it was STEROIDS! It was a hormonal migraine, I hadn’t slept in 5 nights, 6 days, extreme anxiety, out of my mind, and they give me steroids????!!! I attempted suicide that night from being completely out of my mind in pain, lack of sleep, and hopeless. Luckily I was more afraid to die than I was for pain. I didn't NEED pain meds necessarily but something to help me sleep off the migraine!
I do not believe people should be judged the rest of their life if they were once in a bad place. Pain meds can be monitored, admit me, I don't care. They care, I'm Medicaid and Medicaid won't pay. Why waste a bed on me? I had no hope, though. No one seemed to believe me, I couldn't count on specialists, doctors etc. Even the people or drs that said they believed me, I didn’t feel they really did, their actions showed differently.
I doubted anyone could love me because no one was giving me the help I needed. No one else was helping me get the help I needed. No one knew the help I needed. However on Facebook, I was outlining literally EVERYTHING I needed on my Facebook page with articles. I was expecting people to come to me and seek me out, this was my cry for help but it felt as if no one was hearing it. I also kept people at a distance simply by being too sensitive they didn't want to believe me or, them hurting me and then me being defensive.
Most people walked away, I can understand some reasons. I can’t know why the people walked away for sure, and it doesn’t matter anymore. I forgive themThen there are a lot of people that treated me like I was being manipulative. That I wasn’t in pain, that I was doing everything for attention, or that it was all in my head. Tried the “hard love” approach on me, or may have been manipulative to me, themselves. I forgive them too. It only shows how deeply they're hurting. I was hurting, so I took all those words straight to my heart. I’d spend days crying over a simple Facebook message exchange, or cry over a comment. Cry for weeks after not being invited to a group outing where everyone else was invited but Russ & I. Took it all personal, and if I’m being honest I know it was personal for some people. That's okay, I forgive them because I understand how deeply they're hurting. I have forgiven, but I haven't forgotten. There are a lot of people I plan to avoid in life because they are triggers. That doesn't mean a sincere apology won't go a long way with me. People don't have to be triggers forever.
Most people walked away, I can understand some reasons. I can’t know why the people walked away for sure, and it doesn’t matter anymore. I forgive themThen there are a lot of people that treated me like I was being manipulative. That I wasn’t in pain, that I was doing everything for attention, or that it was all in my head. Tried the “hard love” approach on me, or may have been manipulative to me, themselves. I forgive them too. It only shows how deeply they're hurting. I was hurting, so I took all those words straight to my heart. I’d spend days crying over a simple Facebook message exchange, or cry over a comment. Cry for weeks after not being invited to a group outing where everyone else was invited but Russ & I. Took it all personal, and if I’m being honest I know it was personal for some people. That's okay, I forgive them because I understand how deeply they're hurting. I have forgiven, but I haven't forgotten. There are a lot of people I plan to avoid in life because they are triggers. That doesn't mean a sincere apology won't go a long way with me. People don't have to be triggers forever.
When 80% of the time it is misunderstandings and 20% of the time defensiveness (that state has changed over the years, however). Misunderstandings. People think I’m trying to say one thing, when I am not. I was afraid to question people about their lives because I didn’t want to be intrusive, so I would talk about myself hoping someone would stop me in a way. I’d fill silence with awkward talking. If we communicate a little better, and through phone or in person, it is easier to hear someone’s tone which is key in misunderstandings. Tones can say a lot. Tone is something I am working on, because I struggle with it. When I am excited or passionate, I type or talk fast, which makes me fumble over words, have typos etc. I hear my voice differently in my head (as we all do) and when I am passionate, excited, or frustrated or angry my voice gets high and my tone gets a certain way. I understand why people took offense to me. It doesn’t mean they were right, just very misinformed at the reasons. Why? Assumptions.
I always hit enter too fast instinctually, then go through and try to edit to make it sound like the point I am trying to get across, not how I mean for it to sound. Some people took that as, me “knowing” it was wrong and trying to change it. I know people can see my edits. I get embarrassed if I edit too many times sometimes and redo a comment. This isn’t out of malice or manipulation.
Gossip, is not okay. It’s important to understand the difference in venting/seeking advice and general gossip. This is something I have learned, it is okay to vent, but if I am going to vent, I better make sure I trust that person. These past 10 years, I have come to find who I know I can trust, and who I can’t. Who I can talk to things about, and who I cannot. I have gained so much respect for these people. I have learned so much from them. I have said it many times and I’ll say it again…. I am so indebted to these people & I hope to be able to properly display my gratitude the moments I can. Now I am understanding how to set boundaries without feeling guilty. Now I know I don’t need to tell everyone every little detail. I can still share parts of my story that’ll inspire. Unfortunately, that’s the kind of filter I have to put on myself with the way life is now. Everyone’s seeking approval from everyone, and it’s made us into a much less compassionate and more self-involved society, being self-involved only feeds anxiety and depression. I also had been seeing counselors on and off this entire time but their own bias of not believing me, came into play. I think people thought I was "playing dumb" out of cuteness, or to get away with things. Well, I am not "dumb" but yes, I struggle sometimes with simple things due to...well it turns out, a lot of factors. If people stick around past my walls I’m not unpleasant at all, I’m actually a very compassionate and caring person. I cry when I am feeling truly blessed, sad, embarrassed, frustrated, hurt, excited. This is fine, because crying is okay!! Crying is therapeutic. Crying releases endorphins. It also can cause migraines, so I started holding in tears to prevent migraines. I was holding in too much pain and it wreaked havoc on my system.
I have a high possibility of an autoimmune disease. Autoimmune scares me. I have to take life very slowly, much slower than most people. I can deal with that, most can't because they wish they could do that. It isn't as fun as it sounds....trust me. Part of me also worries that in order to be able to take it easy on myself (without guilt and shame) I’d need an autoimmune issue. I know God will sort it out, for me.
This past month I have been wanting so hard to prove to everyone I’m not a manipulator and I wasn’t making things up. Now that I know it myself! I began questioning if I was manipulating, even though manipulation is intentional and I know I wasn't doing it intentionally. Now that some things are more treatable than I thought, and without pills, I have been trying to stay on my feet more and move around more, too much. I have been overdoing it way too much. I cannot over do it anymore. If friends stop inviting me because I have to decline (because my battery is too low), that's their loss, they're missing out. I have a great sense of humor, laugh easily, am compassionate. I just have to learn how to show that on the outside, which I am working on.
A wise woman (Pamela) told me something similar to this our last conversation on the phone: That many people go through much worse in life, but that doesn’t make my experiences any less traumatic to me.
I now know who to trust, behaviors to look out for, who to avoid for a while until I get a better handle of my triggers, and to always keep an open mind about everyone, no matter what. We cannot know what is going on in someone's mind & heart or what they are personally struggling with. Everyone grieves differently which is why judging people in times of grief isn’t a great approach, either.
Just because we can’t see on the outside anything they “should be” grieving about, doesn’t mean there isn’t they’re grieving about.
Bedtime. I need to stay on the right sleep cycle! Thank you for reading and trying to get to know me a little better! 💜
