My shame of how I’d react as a triggered response, not understanding why (now I now I have complex PTSD) and the shame of those nervous system resoponses built on my self hate.
I may not have Aspergers but my genetic defect makes me 70 % more likely to be on the autistic spectrum and I have all the symptoms. Severity of course depends on the amount of stress I am under. Regardless if I do or not, I have the symptoms for it. That’s not good enough though for some. ð I saw my new counselor who was reevaluating me, and she wants me tested for autism. I didn’t even mention it to her, either. She could tell while I was trying to explain my situation and my mannerisms.
My family still sees me as still making “excuses” and “blaming others”. I’m simply trying to explain AND apologize. It’s not a fake apology because I’m trying to help you understand why I had difficulty so we can prevent it from happening in the future again.
I have symptoms of so many conditions and pretty serious autoimmune, neuroimmune conditions. Whether or not I have I the symptoms and am still struggling, I have to find doctors within Medicaid that are knowledgeable in this genetic mutation which.... there are not any that do. So I have to take initiative to go to the right doctors for the conditions I have symptoms for and get the tests done; which I am doing and have been doing. The process is a lengthy one especially when these specialists are at least 45 mins away.
I am doing everything in my power given the resources we have (which are MUCH more than most in my situation). I am passionate, not ungrateful. I understand and have always felt blessed, I just didn’t feel good enough for God, for anyone.
I am advocating for those that are still struggling, I am raising awareness for things people may overlook, but more people suffer from these issues than would like to admit. Like seeking Validation. I think it ultimately comes down to an existential crisis, but that’s my analyzing and of course what my issue was, doesn’t mean that is everyone’s.
I theorize fibromyalgia is linked to PTSD, because those that suffer also have symptoms I have. Interstitial Cystitis, endometriosis, migraines, panic, low self esteem. High empathy.
It’s all linked in my opinion to this MTHFR gene. There are many mutations, the reason mine is one most talked about is because it links 50+ conditions. Just because you may not have these in life now, trauma and stress can bring these conditions on. I cannot stress enough for my family to get tested. My mom had at least one mutation as well as my dad, which means my grandparents on my mom’s side & dad’s side had at least one of these mutations. My grandma M & her mother, suffered with pain similar to mine their entire lives, I hypothesize they may have had double mutations. My grandma and Grandpa K died in their early 70s due to heart disease and diabetes linked to this mutation. I know they at least had one copy, but I wonder did they have two? I wish my family would take me seriously. I may have trouble communicating what I am thinking when I am passionate but I am not a complete idiot.
I have been underestimated and overestimated in the wrong areas my entire life, that’s fine, I’ll prove people wrong and if they don’t think I do, I don’t care much anymore.
This is a bit of an angry self pity downer blog, but I am HUMAN. All I want to do is love people. Trust was hard for me, still is. But given my past experiences it’s understandable.
I am also struggling with a memory that came back recently of a person that sexually molested me in 8th grade class publicly where I couldn’t leave. I felt trapped. He was new in school and "popular". I had a crush on him and the shame of thinking "I made him do it, I must have given him this impression" caused me to block this you for years. It wasn't until seeing him prey on women in a sneakier way through Facebook now that I remembered this.
When women speak up about these things, they DO get shamed and I’ve been shamed my entire life by others and myself. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so guilty and don’t want him hurting others.
It’s different when I have blocked memories of before and after. I remember his clearly and the feelings to this memory just came back. I’m struggling very much with this....
It’s common but I’m not sure where to go with it. I will speak to my counselor of course. This is territory I didn’t know I had been in...
This isn’t easy at all. PTSD from family & underage sexual abuse, on top of the genetic mutation that is the most serious of the MTHFR mutations. I’ve been crying out my entire life and I understand and forgiven yet I still have moments of anger towards some of those that hurt me in my worst years, intentionally. I am smart enough to know what is intentional and what isn’t...
I understand when gossip gets the best of people especially when someone else approaches me with rumors that are completely wrong but everyone in that “group” believes. That traumatized me a lot. I just wanted friends for Russ and I to have together, I wanted to fit in. I wanted to find to find that group... I was continuously over the years harassed by more than one individual, sassy comments on my things which triggered me. No excuse, however I am not someone who is mean unless I am provoked. Again I should have had the strength to be the bigger person but I was fighting so much more, I didn’t have the energy.
Well, my very few readers, thanks again for reading. Much love! ♥️ð
Jenny
