Holy Road Trip...What??

The chance to take a COVID safe road trip has fallen into our laps!! We get to "house sit" near the Atlantic coast this summer! (It still depends on Covid tests of the homeowners) A vacation!! BEACH! COVID safe!! A change of scenery! Another trip with the dogs?!? This felt like the •hardest• year of isolation yet. This trip is literally a mental health necessity right now. I need this SO badly. Russ, too. I know I’ll never recover from my dad’s sudden, unexpected death, but I’m truly struggling to recover from how my family shunned me at the funeral and are cutting me out completely...the massive rejection I’ve experienced... I've had suicidal thoughts again, first time in 5years...I've spiraled. I'm barely holding on. I'm on the verge of shutdown/burnout & my meltdowns are getting more frequent and gaining more power inside. This trip could not come at a better and more needed time. It feels too good to be true. Is this the Universe agreeing I'm definitely going to lose it if I don't get some time out of isolation? Crossing my fingers & putting all the good into the Universe that this will be able to happen!! The beach is my happy place.

Microdosing Musings

 

05/18/2022 Microdosing musings.

Lately, I get so much heaviness building up in my chest, I’m feeling emotionally paralyzed. The emotional pain, the dread, the rejection, the pain of it all. This is the first week in 5 years I’ve had solid suicidal thoughts. I’m getting help, I’m starting to microdose psilocybin again, even though it can bring up some heavy things, I know microdosing is what saved me from suicidal thoughts before. Those heavy things need to be faced and released.

I think I’m going to just start posting my microdosing musings. They’re going to be random and I’m not going to work hard at editing them. They’re going to be raw, vulnerable, real and likely insightful and not just to me.

 

Today’s Musings:

I can’t understand the pain my mom is going through. I don’t want to, ever…even though I know it’s a part of life, and that I likely will be in her shoes, someday. The pain she’s feeling, is something so unavoidable. Nothing anyone can do, can change that awful pain for her, if we could, we would...I would, in a heartbeat.

The pain I’m going through, a lot of it…is preventable. It’s unfathomable I’d be treated this way. I've been completely shut out of everything. The grieving process...sharing memories together... all of it I am left to do by myself. This pain isn’t necessary. It isn’t my breaking my own heart, it’s not me... not inviting myself to gatherings, family reunions, impromptu gatherings with people in town at my own mom’s house after my dad died, etc. These people wouldn’t care if I died and these thoughts are scaring me. I told them that's how I felt literally a month before my dad died and apparently they decided to finally validate me. It broke me in a way I thought I couldn’t be broken by these people again. In a way I thought….hoped, I’d never be broken again.

I didn’t know they all decided they could not support my mother and I, that my dad’s funeral meant they had to choose sides even as my mom and I sat next to each other, holding hands and crying. 

My brain has had me forget so many horrific and painful moments between my mom and I, just so I can be okay… I can’t prove to her I can be there in the way she needs if she doesn’t let me. Here goes my Stockholm syndrome. Mother or not, she doesn’t want me around. That’s the only thing that should matter. She doesn’t want me around. I need to get the picture and accept it. I can’t keep forcing myself on others. I won’t.

If once you let go of people, the universe sends you what you wanted/needed all along, I really hope the universe is sending me my found family.

I feel so guilty for my dogs "not being enough". They can’t stand not being in the same room as me. If it’s hot, rainy or cold outside and I’m outside, they’ll be out there as much as they hate it. They’ll throw a fit about it… but only because they can’t bare being apart from me. I don’t want that kind of human dedication, not at all. But why does that not feed my soul? I will be yearning for it, so desperately when it’s gone. When they’re gone.

Then there’s Russ. He's got his own health issues and is struggling himself but of course will never admit it. Care takers need support systems too and our support, for both of us in this area is non existent. I used to know this was due to ableism, toxic positivity and an inability to accept autistics or neurodivergence in general and a reflection on others, not us... but I'm getting to a dark place again where I'm feeling like I am the issue, I will always be the issue. Thankfully mushrooms are clapping back at me, letting me know I absolutely am not.

It's important to isolate while healing, but I'm in my 8th year of isolation. I need and deserve a support system and being this isolated one won’t come knocking at my door, but I can’t keep working so hard for one…and having my heart broken. it breaks my heart that the one-two people likely don't feel significant enough because I'm searching for more.... but they mean the absolute world to me which is why I'm searching for more support so they don't have to feel so much weight or responsibility on their shoulders. The entire point of support systems is so the responsibility isn't just on one or two people. People work together in a system to make sure the person that needs support, is getting that support and others giving that support aren't being burnt out. All I hear from doctors and therapists is that I need to get myself a support system. Where do I pick up one of those? I've tried reaching out for years.

They say for every negative instance/comment... you need three positives to make up for the effects it has on the brain. I don’t even think I have three people that truly get me and want to be in my life, but I have dozens, who actively can’t stand me and have made that very known to me. That have gone out of their way to be cruel during my hardest moments in my life. It always surprises me the cruelty people are capable of, when someone is drowning. But it's absolutely no surprise my brain has stuck onto all the rejection. You can only be rejected so many times, before it really starts to affect even the most confident of people. 

I know a family member I thought had my back for years... must have felt her love wasn’t appreciated because it was like my mom was puppeteering her last time I saw her. Suddenly she's laughing, rolling her eyes, scoffing at me, bamboozling my boundaries and using the same exact language my mom uses towards me. Same demeanor even... and not a month after she told me she’s repaired the relationship, with my mom. I see what my mom and family are doing, I'm really surprised this person isn't seeing it. I mean, they've been outcasted as I have, years before I ever was...and the second they start being accepted, their childhood part that yearned for acceptance years ago jumped right into that abusive system and started against the scapegoat...me. This is also something that is well documented in these family systems. I really thought this person understood these dynamics better, but I guess I didn't know them that well if they're capable of laughing, rolling their eyes and scoffing at me when I'm drowning. I was literally suicidal when they came over. When they left... It's a deep end I hadn't seen in a long while and it was the one day Russ goes into work (thank God they still mask, distance & 99% still work at home). So I was left alone, after feeling suicidal before I heard my mom's words come out of the one person in the family I thought had my back. Betrayed doesn't even describe what I was and am feeling. I've never not been able to engage with someone when they've hurt me. I usually write messages and long emails, but I can't even bring myself to really engage. I now see how much they look down on me, and I cannot keep trying to convince people who think they're superior to me, that I am worthy, that they can actually learn something from me. I can't be around people whom would rather insult and hurt me further than admit they unintentionally hurt me.

Just because autistics butt heads with NTs (neurotypicals) doesn’t mean we’re wrong. It doesn’t mean we can’t sense and feel things on another level than NTs, it doesn’t mean we aren’t able to use that kind of pattern recognition. My pattern recognition seems to be fine-tuned to people and behaviors due to my trauma, but it’s on an extra level with autism and sadly doesn’t translate to any fun pattern recognition games. 

Maybe it’s something most people's brains can’t/don't do, so they don’t understand it besides claiming I ruminate on small things/hold grudges, but I for the most part go “hm that was weird” or “it’s probably just my anxiety/insecurity” and then shrug my shoulders. I Just happen to remember the “hm that was weird” a bit better than most and before I even know it... when that person does a similar behavior (usually some kind of disrespect), my brain has already taken me back to the incident(s) when this person has been that way towards me and while one time, is one time too many, I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt as I know I do not make the best of first, second or even third impressions. Sadly, that’s mainly due to ableism: NT’s inability to adapt or accept anyone that’s a little too different from them, and the fact that most “toxic traits” lists going around the internet are mostly …actually autistic traits. Putting all that aside, I understand while most aren't autistic, a lot have social anxiety. So I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and I do not think they automatically are against me. But when something sticks out as strange or possibly hurtful, and something similar is done again by the same person, my brain will connect those dots before I can even chose to entertain it or not.

I think that’s enough purging, I have met a really great person who seems to feel the way I do about unconditional support and we’ve committed to being penpal/giftpals & trying to uplift each other up=…but honestly I’m just waiting for her to lose her patience with me, too. She’s spoiled me, quite a bit. I can be really lucky, and these are the things I need to focus on right now.

But I feel like I'm falling apart in every way.

Grieving Alone

The entire family are grieving without me. They've excluded me from everything but the funeral. They don't check in on me. They’re wrangling around each other for support… they have each other to share memories, stories… and I feel so left out and abandoned. So shut out. Punishment for coming out about my brother’s abuse, a few years back...no doubt...as that's when invitation to things from extended family and Christmas cards stopped coming. It’s not okay. I’ve done nothing to these people. I have over and over gone back expecting some change. They always treated me pretty terribly but never cut me off or acted rudely to my face until I came out about my one brother's abuse. Then I was cut off. I heard this is what families do...but I had no idea my family was capable of this amount of hate. I never in a million years thought this is how my dad's death would go.

My mom didn’t even come see me. She dropped off a card & left. My first birthday without my dad... She said it was because she was sick, but I had told her just the week before when seeing my niece and nephew that were sick.... if we were outside at a distance... it is fine if I’m masked for a little bit. Her not seeing me wasn't about protecting me because she never wears a mask or has made any effort to protect me before. She just used it as an excuse because she didn’t want to see me.

No matter how much I've grown (even though I have always been lovable and deserving of support and inclusion this entire time), no matter how far I've come, people just showed me sheer disgust towards me at my dad's funeral. If it wasn't flat out ignoring me, it was sheer disgust that was oozing off of them. These people think I can't tell how much they hate me, or know what they say about me. Even with the disgust oozing off of them... I smiled and told them how grateful I was they came which became awkward for so many because ...they didn't come for me, not even a little bit. 

This feels nothing short of awful. All I've done is expect them to accept me for the way I am, to love and to include me. They and many others, have shown me that I am asking too much in this.

I struggle to get through the days. I feel completely alone in my grief. My dogs are the only two souls I know don't love me out of obligation. They love me so fiercely but they won't be around forever, no one will be...but them it's inevitably sooner. Russ is wonderful, but when you can't support yourself and have been rejected to the extent I have, it can cause "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria" which is basically taking rejection a lot harder than others...rejection breaks our soul. It feels like my chest is being ripped open. It's hard to explain. But.. it doesn't matter how reassuring Russ is, it's really hard not to wonder if he's only with me because I literally have no where else to go. Section 8 housing takes years, not having kids I'm lower priority (rightfully so). Most of these areas are surrounded by industrial pollution that will make my illnesses worse and even if I had rent for free, I still could not afford to support myself on what I get monthly. This puts a lot of pressure on a relationship. A lot. It is terrifying not to know who would catch me if I fall. When I fall.

I was finally getting a hold of my PTSD...and this trauma has set me back. At least it feels like it. Because they've learned the reason some have PTSD and some don't from certain things is because it's not necessarily the traumatic event...it's the lack of support after that causes PTSD. Part of me thinks this is what my family wants. They want me to be the unstable insecure person they can continue making look bad. 

But I'm working through it, with a really great therapist, and it's hard, it's exhausting, and it takes a lot of courage to do this kind of work. For a long time I did it for my family, I hoped I'd learn what was so wrong with me, they hated me so much and change it.I have been working on myself since I could.drive to Borders at 16. The self help section is where I lived, my entire life though, no matter the amount of progress I made, it was never enough. But seeing the growth I'm capable of ...has motivated me to finally and fully do this work for me. One of the biggest breakthroughs, is I actually love myself. With that, though...it's become a lot easier to spot those who don't love me or treat me right, because I now understand I'm worthy of respect and love.

To give credit where credit is due, one person checks on me regularly and never stopped once the "pandemic ended" 😑🙄.  I cherish her so much! 💞 Sadly she knows they're the only one because it brings tears of gratitude to my eyes.... and I can't hide that on Facetime, which puts a lot of pressure on her, it puts pressure on anyone, I'm sure. I can't help it though...when I see anyone giving someone support I burst into tears. Especially on TV. The most simple acts of support, not even crying scenes, and I bust into tears. How fucking beautiful, I think...and my heart literally cries out for it.

How sad it is. How sad I am, some would think in more ways than one..I think it's perfectly okay to reach out, to be vulnerable and honest, because I never in my wildest dreams expected that this is how it'd go when my dad died...ever.

Difficult Birthday

I'm beginning to feel like I have a really good reason to feel so alone in this world...and not just because of my family.

Negative is something I've been called since I began opening up about depression, PTSD, and chronic illness. I believed for a long time I was to blame, thanks to toxic positivity, people saying I assume the worst, that I think the whole world is out to get me, that I'm just too negative... and the revelation that has come to me, is...that I'm actually the exact opposite. If I thought the entire world was against me, I'd never had had the courage to reach out in the first place.  I think the world is out to love (the majority), and then I weigh my expectations with worst case scenarios (hoping for the best, prepare for the worst) and even then...many times people have gone below my worst case expectations. When you expect bigger things...and get so much less than your worst expectation...that fall, is a lot longer and harder than the fall from short or no expectations. Am I going to stop having arguably high expectations because people are failing them? Absolutely not.  

What are these expectations that are so incredibly high no one in this family or town seems to be able to meet...at least in regards to me?

First of all, when I began reaching out for support back when I was suicidal ...I expected at least one person would reach out.. Most times I was completely ignored and much lower than I ever expected was mockery, accusations of it being my fault, insults and more. People reported me to Facebook, instead of reaching out. I understand not having the emotional capacity to hear someone, especially if suicide is a triggering topic, but then find someone who can, boost the post's visibility...don't ignore them leaving them feeling lonelier.

When I reached out multiple times to those in this area and asked if there was anyone that would come hang out, play cards, watch a TV show, swim (before the pandemic & during, outside at a distance), I expected one or two that consistently "supported" me on social media to message me and offer maybe once a month. For years no one responded, during the pandemic, some did reach out and did say they'd plan something safe when it's nice outside, but it's now been how much during the years of the pandemic?

My dad's funeral, I asked people from this town plainly if they could please be there to support me, and I got about 12 care reacts, such kind words of support. I still, kept my expectations small and expected one or two of those, to show up at his funeral. I didn't expect none of these people to show.

This birthday... I knew was going to be a tough one (and I was right this was the loneliest birthday I've had in a truly long time.) I made a post specifically asking people to help me celebrate (like I did in 2018 the first birthday I wasn't suicidal in 20 years & was still struggling severely as I hadn't been approved for disability yet), I knew this birthday...I needed to be reminded I'm not as alone as I feel, because while I am not suicidal, thoughts of wanting to no longer do this anymore, be in this world, battle this physical and intense emotional pain...are creeping up and those are the beginning of suicidal thoughts.

This is what loneliness does to a person. This is what isolation does. It makes us feel like no one would notice if we died, and if the point of life is connection and relationships and I've massively been deprived of that, despite no lack of trying...which really does a number on a person. So many people were quick to note how harmful isolation is that when they had to isolate for a few weeks (when the entire world joined in..so not exactly social exclusion), yet no one can imagine what 7 solid years of this kind of deep social isolation and exclusion can do to a person. I expected maybe one person to reach out, maybe offer to stop by and say a quick "hello". I expected one or two people to gift me something off my wish list, at least a supplement I needed, as my birthday wish lists are often necessities or things most just buy when they need them.  I expected my mom...to come see me.

My mom didn’t even come see me. She dropped off a card & left. My first birthday without my dad and my mom couldn’t even see me. She said it was because she was sick, I told her just that last week seeing my niece and nephew that were sick that if it were outside at a distance it is fine if I’m masked, even if someone is sick.This wasn't about protecting me because she never wears a mask when she's inside with me! Yet she can't be outside with me? She doesn't ever protect my health any other time. She just used it as an excuse because she didn’t want to see me.

She and the rest of the family are grieving without me. They have each other to share memories, stories…they’re wrangling around each other for support… and I feel so left out and abandoned. So shut out. Punishment for coming out about my brother’s abuse. It’s not okay. I’ve done I thing to these people but ask them to accept me for the way I am, and to love & include me. They and many others, have shown me that I am asking too much in this.

I was spoiled by gifts by those who couldn't be with me... but not by company..Everyone is so convinced the pandemic is over, no one is trying very hard to make any concessions anymore. I expected I wouldn't have to plan my own virtual "party" because I have zero bandwidth, with everything I've been going through...but why? Everyone has their own things to worry about. Why would I expect them to prioritize me? I relayed to loved ones that I was feeling so isolated and that my birthday feels like any other day, that this is the first birthday I haven't looked forward to in a while. I needed people, I needed to be celebrated, I needed more than anything to know that others have my back after these last few months. That I don't have to put effort in to be celebrated (even though I still did, I spent hours crafting the blog post asking).

There is only so much rejection you can experience and never forget.

My dad's funeral, this birthday...has only made me feel I'm just as alone I feel. I honestly feel like my biggest fears have been confirmed.

Even though having to ask for support and company feels like obligated support (which can feel just as lonely)... I had hoped that with spending time with me, people would see why I'm worth loving and supporting. This isn't out of ego, this is about the fact that I know people need support systems to thrive, for anyone...but even more so when people are suicidal, in trauma recovery, disabled, isolated and autistic. It hurts my heart every time a doctor or someone tells me how crucial support systems are for the things I deal with.

I hate that I’m stuck still processing how 95% of my family could walk right past me in the family condolence line at my own father’s funeral. I’m not just grieving him but I’m grieving an entire family. Those who did acknowledge me, didn't know who I was, 3% of the family that did acknowledge me, did so to force an anti masked hug on me... then got upset when I advocated for my health and asked to keep a little bit of a distance, then I apologized and explained I still want to talk, and was snubbed, even though they were actively risking my life and disrespecting my boundaries, I was the bad one. 

 

It was explained to me wonderfully to me by my therapist. It's like in those shows/movies where vampires have their "humanity switch", and when they turn it back on, they have to feel all the horrible things they did the years when their humanity switch was off. Healing is a lot like that. You have to face your less desired traits, you have to recognize where you've gone wrong so you can learn to do better.

My "humanity switch" turned back on in 2017, but it was never fully off. I didn't bully, I didn't provoke, I was overly defensive, and reactive because that's what kept me safe after all the trauma I endured in my life. I've come to have compassion and forgiveness for myself. That person kept me safe multiple times looking back, emotionally and physically but I recognized they no longer were. I also began to have it pointed out to me that those who often accused me of being defensive were doing so to avoid their own accountability. Some were right, others were not. 

 

I wasn't cruel and it was still hard "waking up" to the things I needed to work on and fix in myself. I came to understand I was also surrounding myself with people who always responded in the same and inconsiderate ways. People knew it was so easy to get a reaction out of me, people knew they could say whatever they wanted and it wouldn't matter because my reaction would take all the attention off what it is that they said.

 

The massive amount of pain and hate they must be carrying around to so that to someone...but knowing it says more about them... it doesn’t make it any easier to have to bare. I can only imagine how hard it is to turn that humanity switch back on, when being overtly cruel, neglectful, abusive...and more, I honestly hope my mom never wakes up to that...I've just hoped over and over she'd just start treating me like family, that she actually liked and loved me, that she wanted me around...because I don't want her to feel the pain of all the pain she's caused, but then the rational part of me knows that she won't accept me and won't until she faces her own demons and at this point, but I can't be the brunt of her or anyone else's lack of humanity anymore...simply because my healing and humanity is triggering them.

 

"You wanna know why strangers support you more than people you know? Because people you know, have a tough time accepting the fact that you came from the same place, while they're still in the same place."

 

The truth is, most of these people haven't interacted with me in almost a decade, they only know what they've heard, or have been upset at me for telling them they hurt me which kicked off an argument where they no doubt said things to illicit a reaction to make me look "crazy" so they no longer needed to be accountable and could convince themselves they did nothing wrong and I am the problem. It can be hard to grasp, it was for me...but apologizing doesn't mean you did it on purpose, it's acknowledging the person is hurt and your relationship with is more important than proving you're someone who would or could never do or say anything hurtful.

 

When people are receptive to pain they may have caused others, talk it out...people tend to have a better understanding of each other... which leads to less misunderstandings and less bumpy relationships. That's all my motives have ever been..trying to create connections instead of sweep things under the rug to constantly trip over.., because hurt doesn't just stop if you can stop thinking about it, or addressing it. Trust me, I've tried...for a lot of things. It just gets trapped. It festers. It grows while you grow more distant from those you love out of protection of your heart. If I ever confront anyone on something that was said or done that's hurt me, it's because a) I trust they're going to be receptive & b)I'm trying to conserve our friendship/relationship. I'm not trying to create drama (because believe it or not, I do have a lot more important things in my life I need to worry about than having to prove and defend my thoughts and feelings), seeking attention or assuming the worst. I'm trying to salvage whatever it is we have, whether it be an acquaintanceship, coworkership, friendship or a family relationship..any relationship.

I don't know why people are so intolerant, inaccepting of me...Maybe it's because most of my traits are considered unacceptable in society..

"It's so fucked up that a lot of what's considered socially inadequate traits are neurodivergent traits. Too straight forward? Rude. Too passionate? Dramatic. Too hyper? Childish. Too talkative? Annoying. Don't look in the eyes? Rude AF. None of these are harmful, get over yourselves". - @ADHDelaide 

Maybe it's the old "no one else is helping out because they assume someone else is doing so" syndrome. This one is hard for me, because people have heard me reach out and let people know that no one has come forward. This is all hard for Russ, too. We both need a support system in this area. Caretakers need a support system, too. The only supportive people we have are all very far away. It's been that way for about 5 years now. 5 years I've been reaching out about this isolation, about holidays being so lonely, when we had been used to being surrounded by so many people our entire lives at holidays. In general he's used to having a lot of family around all the time and in a short period most of them moved out of state. One person does not a support system make. The dogs, it kills me that I won't be able to handle being alive when they go. They are the only souls in this world I don't wonder if their love is out of obligation.

I am finally beginning to love myself and in that, I become not just hurt at the lack of support, but surprised. I used to think I didn't deserve it. I used to think "Well, I don't blame them"...and I was wrong. I did deserve it then, just as I do now. I am so incredibly proud of who I am, and how far I've come and without a therapist that understood me, without a big support system.. I'm finally not bogged down by productivity equaling worth…that damn capitalistic guilt (play on catholic guilt). I’m getting I'm tapping into my inner child and experiencing that kind of euphoria again, I have a passion and spirit in me that is one to be reckoned with. I have deep love, that when I love, I love fully and deeply even in the face of constant pain and rejection.