How was everyone's Valentine's Day? Mine was pretty great. Low key, just like we prefer!
I saw my Psychiatrist today about lowering Cymbalta, because now that I am making more serotonin, the side effects of Cymbalta are kicking in and since my body reacts badly to Cymbalta, it creates more anxiety from the side effects. The Cymbalta was actually blocking the small 30% of serotonin I had, to be released. For 10 years. 10 years!! I cannot stress ENOUGH to get your genes tested! Anxiety and depression are the first, most reversible symptom. If you are more sensitive than others (which is OKAY! You may have this issue.
She explained to me, that when people go through a traumatic event, the brain grows nerves to protect us. These nerves release a chemical called glutamate which brings on the fight/flight/freeze reaction. When the traumatic event is over, those nerves are still there, producing glutamate, making a person in constant fight/flight/freeze mode reliving the trauma through their body (chronic pain, fibromyalgia etc). Let's just say, that because of my low serotonin (30%), as well as being on a medication that blocked more serotonin being made (so ALL the exercise in the world wouldn't have mattered, ALL the eating right wouldn't have mattered) as well as experiencing more than enough traumatic situations before turning 23. Getting my medication fixed has allowed serotonin to start coming through again, and now flashbacks are coming faster than ever, but I know it's my brain healing and I have to mourn these issues and let them go. Not block them away like I have been doing my entire life. If you are depressed, switch medications. If you are on an SSRI, lower it and try another one. Higher doses of anti depressants do more harm. This gene test tells you exactly what medications (down to OTC medications) interact poorly and you can see if you have the MTHFR mutation as well.
I thought I had one early sexual abuse memory, but more memories keep coming back. Throughout my life... I allowed it. I'm not allowing it anymore. I haven't either, one person tried, and then hated me when I turned them down. Here I thought we were friends, but nope! He wanted one thing, to take advantage of me because my low self esteem. So many people tried, more succeeded when I was younger. The memories keep coming back, and the emotions with those memories.... I can't describe if I tried (me? speechless?😉).
I realize I disassociate, because I've had to before, to get me through fearful situations. My memory issues are because of all this extra glutamate being produced in my brain, it only brings on more anxiety and uneasy feeling so I'd try to analyze why...nothing made sense! I couldn't remember the traumas. Doctors wouldn't listen. If you are on Medicaid, most doctors are accepting Medicaid because they HAVE to, unless they're attempting clinical hours. You can tell the difference after a conversation. When someone with Medicaid goes into the hospital for a migraine that lasts 5 days, you do tests, you don't assume they're seeking! They gave me steroids and the nurse injected it before telling me what it was!!!!!! I would have never allowed to take steroids. I'm finding my mutation makes my blood clot easier and makes me much more prone to TIAs and Strokes. A migraine for 5 days wasn't normal. Did they do any tests on me?? NOPE!! Shot me up with steroids which is not advised for someone who hasn't slept in 5 DAYS. It felt like a punishment and I was so out of my mind with anxiety and pain, I attempted suicide that night. Luckily my fear for dying, was higher than my fear for living at the time.
Being born with 30% the serotonin I had, and then having these things happen to me and then being on all the wrong medications the past 10 years, I am amazed I made it out alive and I am finally seeing things in a very different light. I told my Psychiatrist that everything seems different and new like i have to relearn everything like a child again, and she teared up as well and agreed...that is what I have to do. She gave me some more visualization techniques for PTSD, and she gave me a giant hug. Compassion goes a long way. My lack of common sense, and anxiety interfering with my grades in school, I was often times called stupid, an idiot, slow...ect. Or I'd hear other kids call other kids that who had issues, and I was too afraid to speak up because I was too afraid of being bullied. The same things goes for stigma in adults, who then bully because they have never been through everything you have, so they can't quite understand. I need to remember this with my approach with people, as well. I am not at all saying I am now perfect. I am just saying, I am aware of what I need to work on. I don't need to be corrected, unless of course I hurt someone's feelings. I can explain what I meant to say, because things don't come out the right way. Which causes me to back talk and say "I didn't mean...and I don't mean..." and over talk in anxious situations. I'm trying to take time to respond, but then if I take too long, people get offended. I need to stop caring so much what people think for a while.
I've been sharing my stories all this time to anyone and everyone mostly because I was looking for that bond with someone. I didn't know how to bond with people, without them knowing my life story and why I was so awkward and seemingly "manipulative". It's embarrassing, but it's true. I am more awkward than anyone could know, and I was afraid for it to show. Anxiety can certainly take away your common sense and the worse it gets, and the worse your self esteem, the worse problems become. Let me outline what happened in 2008 that set me down this spiral.
I lost the first job I ever cared about. Then lost insurance and had NONE. (The ACA wasn't around and I lived with my parents, so I didn't qualify for any insurance. They took my parent's income, like they do with student loans, even though that has no baring on what income I WILL MAKE to pay off these loans.
The rule that you can be on your parent's insurance until 26 was also not around yet until 2 years later. Went to a new doctor because I lost insurance, since he was a "cash dr" he fed me pain killers & muscle relaxers that I later found out give the "heroin effect" & sent me to a neurologist that did a shirtless breast exam on me. He eventually "fired me" as a patient out of no where. I'm guessing he was being investigated. So I was dropped cold turkey off of these meds, which had me struggling quite a few years. With the increasing pain and increasing anxiety, I didn't know what to do. Nothing worked for migraines, (still doesn't). I asked him about Cymbalta (because of commercials, which we are one of the only countries that advertise scripts to patients) and he threw me on it. When it wasn't working as well he'd up the dose until the max dose, which I should have never been on. Since then I have had MANY doctors see my chart and see what dose I am on at Cymbalta and NONE ever raised a brow at it. So, I didn't either. The side effects of getting off them were too horrid to take.
What did it matter though? It was me, I was nothing. I felt I deserved it. I felt I was making things up. Now that those scripts from that doctor are on my record, even though I don't ever want to touch another pill again, unless I have to in cases where my migraines last more than 3 days.... and I need sleep for it to go away.......any doctor I have tried to go to since then, has treated me like a seeker. I understand, it sure looks like I am. However I am not. None of them showed me alternative ways to help my pain. None of them were trained to do anything except hand out pain pills. Now that the government has put such a barr on it, unless you are terminal, have "proof" of your pain, those on Medicaid, don't get the luxury of pain control. Migraines apparently don't count if you've been on pain killers before. I know what to watch out for, people that know me know what signs to watch out for. I don't ever want to be there again. Now doctors out of fear are cutting their patients off with no warning, and people wonder why there is a heroin epidemic. Those in pain aren't getting what they need, those that drs wrongfully threw on pain medications and cut off out of no where, can't handle the withdrawal and go to heroin because it's "cheaper". I have sympathy for anyone who uses heroin. I came too close, but close enough to understand why people go to it. They feel there is no way out. Doctors won't listen or address this pain, or try to find out the reason behind it. They just assume, like a lot of people do and it causes much more harm, than good.
I got out, slower than I am proud of, but I did...then when I got out of it, the frustration of no one letting my past mistakes slip, even doctors, just through me even deeper into depression and worsened anxiety. I went through a lot of difficult times that no one knew about, not even me, apparently!! So how can we judge people? No matter what we think people are doing, we do NOT know the true reason or true intention. We can only pray, try to help them help themselves. The rest is up to them, however lashing out at them, pointing out the flaws they're already very aware of...is the opposite of help. This only perpetuates the thought that "I'm useless and a burden and no one cares about me or wants me around".
The pressure from adult bullying by coworkers also took a toll. I remember being amazed this stuff happens outside of high school. I was so naive. I still am. But because I couldn't do as well as other coworkers, because of my depression and anxiety I needed more breaks, and I have to take off at least 2-3 days a month because of migraines...it wasn't tolerated if I didn't have a "label" Depression and anxiety aren't acceptable because "who doesn't suffer from it?' and that's true, but like anything there are spectrums of depression and anxiety. I happen to be pretty deep in the spectrum when I was on all the wrong meds, had no self worth, and hated everything I did and said. I will now have no problem in an interview saying I have PTSD & 2 mutated genes and I need to have frequent breaks and need to be listening to something in the background in order to work effectively. If that prevents me from getting a job, I don't want to work there anyway. This genetic mutation has given me so many perspectives. Especially since I know I can't change genetics. It made me outright panic for the first 3 weeks I found out. Not understanding it because I didn't retain any simple Biology in school.
Though I am terrified of where here is going, it's kind of in a good way? I have finally learned to forgive myself, which in turn makes it a lot easier to forgive others. I have learned if people can't forgive me...well that really is their loss. I am letting myself cry again...and I cry a lot more about my defensiveness but mostly I cry about all of the people that were rude & hurtful to me, because if they were that rude to someone who was on the edge of taking their life, that just means they're hurting inside, a lot. Which saddens me, because my entire life I have felt broken or different and I never want others to feel that way either. For a long time, I hid away from everything because I couldn't deal with myself, let alone anyone else as much as I wanted to help everyone. Like the quote says, I may not remember what was said, but I remember how I felt when it was said. I forgive those that have hurt me, but that doesn't mean I have to let my walls down and let them in with open arms. I wanted to care about more people than I had the capability of caring for. Especially when I wasn't taking proper care of myself. Who the hell wants an adult child?
It's been a hard few days. A lot more flashbacks are coming up, I am trying to change all my bad habits at once, trying to find comfort in solace, yet I feel guilty for being in solace. My Psychiatrist admitted that with CPTSD, I do have to practically learn life over in a way. Social skills, interacting with people, learning how to care for myself, etc. It'll come back to me, but since I have so many memory issues...and trauma from so long, I didn't retain much of what I was taught. Having a 70% depletion of serotonin of course impacted all of this even more severely.
Jenny is entering Adolecensce again! Ah the period of life I never wanted to do over (just kidding).
Those were my thoughts for this Friday. Thanks for reading, I hope you have a lovely weekend. 💓
