People are doubting me and rolling their eyes about me claiming to be Autistic. I understand the delays my brain has, the way I communicate and the issues I have with learning, fixation.
I can't help worry about the next corner I turn someone I love is going to die, because that's life....full of hurt. That's how it started out and that's how it started to manifest, before I knew it I was afraid to socialize, but needing to so so so badly. Needing someone to HEAR me.
But see....I'm not ready to die. I'm a bit more selfish and there is so much I want to do with my life and for people. Now that I don't fear death....I'm almost fearing it more. If that makes sense?
I'm afraid of a ton of things, but the thing I am LEAST afraid of? Autistic Spectrum Disorder & CPTSD. Knowledge is power and when I find out exactly what I am working with, I can get my body better so I can make my life meaningful. What's sad is hear that? I still say "so I can make my life meaningful". I don't mean that, or wouldn't say that to someone else in my situation. Habits. Habits die hard but when you break them.
Freedom. Faith, is Freedom.
For some reason, others need me to be evaluated for be "sure" themselves, before they give me any benefit of the doubt, at least that's what it seems. No, I am not 100% positive, but given the fact I have been making educated guesses (hypotheses) as well as testing these hypotheses and researching on the knowledge I have gained, narrowing things down, for 10 years of researching these hypotheses and reading scholarly articles, and doing the most self experiments I could without any doctor's help. ANY doctor's help, I know I am able to come up with a theory to my body and my issues.
I am a great researcher when I am passionate about something and my health mental and physical has been my passion for 10 years when my body functioned the worse it ever has, when my depression was the highest its ever been and when my self worth was the lowest it's ever been. My dad is known to be a pretty smart dude getting his degree in chemical engineering. Did it occur to anyone that I may need a different way of teaching? Some extra help? I got C's without studying. Without cracking a book. When I studied, I did worse because I cared more about doing well. So I stopped studying. I got a degree barely studying for any exam. C average sure, but damn....I have potentiential that I know I haven't been living up to. What's sad is that almost every person close to me, knew it, but also made sure I was ashamed of it.
2 years PRIOR I asked my doctor to test me for the MTHFR gene defect. I was dismissed "most people don't have that". People believed I couldn't POSSIBLY know more than specialists and doctors about my own body, yet I did, and I do because it's my body. I know everything I put into it. I research what I don't know. I am not only emotionally sensitive and I'm physically sensitive, I hear, feel, taste/smell every change in my body.
People assumed, doctors assumed, I went and googled all my symptoms and that was that. I was just a hypochondriac looking for sympathy, (not someone in desperate need for help looking for answers). I have a really hard time speaking what I mean to say. This blog? Not so long, has taken me 2 hours and I haven't even proofread it.(now it's 3), but it's great writing practice. I have so many beautiful emotions and thoughts I just simply don't know how to express into words. I am making it public again because, people can read what I have to say and how I feel. It doesn't mean I have to give out every single personal detail either (see that? learning about boundaries). I do this to help others not feel alone, to help others understand me better, and if possible, to help change someone's life.
Suicide was a daily thought. I just didn't have the "courage" to pull it off, which made me feel like such a coward. I truly felt people would be better off without me and the fact that I couldn't "pull that trigger" and do it, because I feared pain and never seeing my loved ones again so damn much. I was losing my battle to depression. I truly believed everyone would grieve but be better off in the long run.
I was someone in desperate need of help, in desperate need of answers and not getting any. While depression continued to eat at my brain. That inner voice, continued to tell me how horrible I am, and that the longer i'm alive, the more I'm causing others pain. I'm narrowing things down and as I narrow them down I'm learning a lot about the disorders I have had to evaluate myself for. Which has only given me a bigger understanding for what people are going through, and I am so grateful to have that knowledge and understanding.
It all may be "just" CPTSD, endometriosis, fibromyalgia, major depression, no self worth, medications that blocked the little serotonin my mind made for 10 years. I hope it's "just" these things. These things are challenging enough for me, and I have so much I want to do with my life now that I finally believe I can do anything.
If you're struggling to find compassion or kindness for others, we need to start with ourselves. Be kind to yourself. Did you say or do something you never imagined in million years you'd say or do? Look at what made you say something like that? Not what the other person did to "make" you say it and learn to communicate you're sorry. If you don't have a particular faith, take time to research and learn, and make love, kindness & compassion find be your faith, from here your faith may find you, or your faith may stay kindness, compassion & love.
I am I'm finally understanding things I am embarrassed to admit I didn't understand, before, about communication and social skills. Things I have said out of anger have not always been right but I have given life my ALL these past 10 years. I deserve a break. I know so many people, will be saying "break? she's been on a break for years!" These people don't understand what's going on with me, these people are being aggressive because they don't believe me, that's fine. I don't need others to believe me. Why do I need to be evaluated for OTHERS to take me seriously? I know I need to be, because I want to know what I can do, reach out to others for support. Find more coping skills that'll help me. Being evaluated is important for me and my doctors. Why do people need to have it "CONFIRMED" to treat me with respect? Even if I am not on the Autistic, does that mean I don't deserve the benefit of the doubt anymore?? Compassion, understanding and kindness?
I wasn't looking for sympathy or attention, I wanted to be everything BUT chronically ill!! I want to travel the world, I wanted to join the peace corp but knew I couldn't with my migraines, this was in high school. I have a heart of gold, I have to just keep developing it. The great thing about having a heart of gold? Gold is soft, it doesn't break.
All I ever wanted from people was to be heard and to be loved.
I have so much gratitude for the ones that didn't abandon me, the ones that didn't intentionally hurt me. My goal is to extend that kind of compassion for everyone. Kindness can change the world, it really can. Compassion. I understand that not everyone has the same empathy level. Empathy can't be learned, but compassion can be and kindness can be. I wish parents would focus more on teaching coping skills (and maybe they are now) and less defensive techniques, trust me....our brain has all the defense mechanisms we need.
I have learned so much from these 10 years, when I, funnily enough thought I wasn't evolving or learning at all. If people want to purposely trigger me into miscommunicating because I'm so hurt/angry/frustrated, I have coping mechanisms. Bring it on...I have what I need. I don't need absolvement or absolution from anyone, especially those that met me with hostility when I needed kindness the most.
Now for probably one of my most important insights for all of you that have a faith that keeps you whole:
Not everyone will agree with our ideals but as long as it keeps me on a good path and a life I can live with no regrets, why does it matter? Why argue, why condemn people for not sharing the same ideals? Faith in a conversation when you're trying to help people out of dark places may not be the wisest idea. In someone's dark times, they feel abandoned by God, by everyone. They're minds have convinced them they're not worthy of God's love, and may not believe in God anymore. This can be a trigger. It may only push others further from their faith & further into darkness of depression and despair.
Not everyone can cope with death by faith, and more importantly, some people (like me)didn't know of any alternate coping mechanisms besides praying. When praying didn't seem to be working & my intentions are pure, yet I'm still alone....I completely lost faith. I'm not sure I ever had much faith in myself to being with to lose that, but I lost my faith. A long time, religion was a big trigger for me. I had to find faith in myself before my faith found me. Sometimes faith will find someone first, and lift them up. Sometimes people need to find faith in themselves, before finding a faith. If someone's faith is "kindness, compassion and love" why does it matter what it's called? Why does it matter the specifics if it keeps that person emotionally healthy?
Peace & love my friends.
