⚠ Content Warning ⚠ Suicide, Sexual Abuse
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I deleted some blogs, because I was afraid. I hadn't slept in almost a week and was afraid of what I would say. I see now how everything in my life has lined up the way it is, and why I am who I am, and that's okay. The ending of The Good Place, helped me apply Christianity to modern times. The lightbulb clicked. I was so afraid of death, that there would be nothing. I was afraid if I said I was Christian, I would have to believe everything Christians believe. I realized love & forgiveness is across the board in every religion (besides extremists). I let Christian extremists scare me away from Christianity.
I hear all the time "I don't know why people think pills fix everything, diet and exercise". Because I sweat a lot (now I know it is because my system is constantly attempting to detox folic acid and the aluminum in my deodorant) everyone assumed I was in withdrawal. I reached out to doctors all the time. I was snuffed away with no answers. I may not sound very smart, and social skills do not come naturally to me, but I am learning. I finally have motivation again.
Around 8 years old, my dog died, my grandpa died and every parent's biggest nightmare happened. I didn't remember any of this, because the brain blocks out memories you cannot handle. I didn't realize I forgot how I got beat up at Allendale, until I recalled it again. I'm recalling a lot which is scary and painful. I'm realizing why others thought I was manipulative, only I wasn't manipulating. I was screaming out for help. I thought that I was the problem, always. I thought everything was my fault, always. I blamed myself for everything, always. Taking responsibility and blaming yourself are two entire different things.
I knew I had PTSD, but I didn't understand why because my brain had blocked most traumatic things out. I never had many friends because most kids didn't understand what PTSD, I didn't realize I had it either. I always felt left out. I was always picked last in gym class. If I wasn't feeling well and couldn't make it to a party, I'd never be invited again since social media was around in high school, seeing all your friends hang out and you weren't invited? I can't describe how much that broke my heart. Once I got in high school, any time a guy liked me back, I'd find some reason to not be with them. I was afraid. I was afraid of being in a relationships with anyone. Friends would invite me to come hang out, and if I didn't come a few times because of a migraine or social anxiety, the invites just stopped. Which also hurt.
I am not blaming, just explaining. I am at peace with all of it because it led me to where I am today. My entire life I have been treated like migraines aren't a big deal, compared to other people, "Other people have it worse" does that mean my pain is nonexistent? I was told I was a hypochondriac, that I was doing it for attention, that I was playing the victim, that it was "all in my head" (psychosomatic). I listened to stereotypes and judgements, so I just stopped talking, or would over explain because I was afraid of how it sounded. I don't ask questions usually because I didn't want to seem intrusive. I was worried what I said would sound like manipulation. I was worried people thought I was seeking attention, so I shut down. Completely. I mean literally can't get out of bed and shower shut down. No eating, practically giving up.
Turns out it wasn't all in my head, I was a victim more times than I would prefer to admit. However, that's who I am...I get migraines, I am an "unchargeable/chargie" which means my battery is never full. No matter how much I sleep, I wake up with about 30% battery.
I have a nervous tick where I start talking speedily. If I can't think of something to say I just start talking to fill the space. I don't "like the sound of my voice" I was not "full of myself" I was overwhelmed and lost. I knew I had a chemical imbalance, I had been on SSRIs the past 10 years and if those didn't help, I didn't understand what's going on? I was afraid of trying another medication because I didn't want to take another medication. It turns out those with MTHFR gene mutation (40% of the population) the higher the dose of SSRIs one takes, the worse off one will be (the more you know...) 😉. A double mutation like I have, SSRIS are not recommended (according to my Psychiatrist) because there isn't enough serotonin to "uptake".
At 22, I went to see a PCP for migraines. He sent me to a neurologist. That neurologist did a breast exam on me. I froze. I let him. I knew neurologists shouldn't be doing breast exams! I just froze. I no longer trusted doctors & specialists. I had a bad pap by a male doctor at a clinic. Painful and he didn't care. I had no option but to use the clinic. I never knew something was wrong because since childhood they've never been able to find out what was wrong, and I have been in counseling many many times. Not even counselors believed I was in pain. If no one professional believes me, how can I get help? My silly fears turned into phobias. I had a bad experience at a hospital after 5 days no sleep because of a migraine, and the nurse shot something in my IV & I asked her and she said "the doctor ordered it, it's steroids" which is the worst thing they could have given me. I attempted suicide that night. A year ago in November. The steroids made me feel like I was crawling out of my skin, I couldn't handle it, my heart rate was so high, it was the most uncomfortable feeling. They thought I was seeking.
When I started getting suicidal ideations (thoughts) I was trained to call someone so I wasn't alone. So I get out of my head and don't think about it. I understand people get afraid, but just because I mention the word suicide, it doesn't mean you have to hop up and call 911. I am making the right steps and getting more and more coping mechanisms. The best you can do is sit and listen, be there. One of the reasons people don't speak up and ideation can become action.
Thanks for reading! I am still learning what is too much to share, and what is okay to share. I am big on spreading awareness, as we know. 😊
The week is almost over!
Jenny
