Going through everything I went through these past 10 years, I learned that I need to talk aloud or journal to process things...and that it is okay. I need someone to discuss things with for making big decisions (who doesn't?!) These silly fears/insecurities kept me from living. I have known all of these things, I just didn’t understand how to apply it to myself. Looking inside yourself, is really difficult.
It took a lot of things to line up at once that made me feel there are no coincidences, I cannot deny the existence of God. I haven’t for quite a long time, but now there is undoubtedly no denying God wants me alive. I am learning to set boundaries, love myself, and take a step back of things. Also, limiting my time looking at screens. I realized I have sensory processing disorder as an adult (something along those lines) which explains my food texture issue as well as sound & migraine issues. I have wondered if I had this ever since I remember Pam talking about it. (I believe) that her son, Jacob, also had sensory processing disorder. I feared I would never be able to get a job and work, I had bad experiences and it shied me away. I understand now when people say they're shy, not outgoing. 😉
For a very long time, I felt like Russ was settling, honestly. I thought everyone was settling. I understand people were worried, it wasn't my intention to worry people. I honestly had given up. I cry a lot more now, but that's okay. It is okay for me to cry. I need endorphins because I seem to have been born missing some 😉. I cry of happiness now, sadness of how much I hated myself & crying out of humiliation for how I treated people in return. I excited because I am finally learning social skills, the skills I was embarrassed to admit, didn’t come naturally to me.
There can't be a diagnosis until more tests are ran, but as mental illness goes... I am only diagnosed with recurrent major depression. (I’m guessing adhd w/sensory issues & an autoimmune 🤞🏻auto immune is not the case,
Between the MTHFR mutation and being on the wrong antidepressant, it was a deadly combination. Literally, deadly. This is why I stress that those battling at minimum, depression & anxiety get their genes tested. It really helps to be tested to see what medications can interact with your genes or are even toxic. I cannot stress enough to go to a Psychiatrist. The non profit place that helped me figure this out in the Northern IL area is:
AID (McHenry Location)
(847) 931 - 2341
8342 W Elm ST. (Rt 120)
McHenry, IL 60050
- They accept Medicaid
- They make Medicaid pay for the basic Gene Testing (to see what medications interact with your genes, from Advil & Tylenol to prescription medications for high blood pressure, antidepressants (HUGH 😉), cholesterol, etc.
- They have many therapists, it just takes finding the right one, don't get discouraged.
- The McHenry one has a pharmacy inside.
- They have social activities/classes Monday-Friday 9am-2pm (I have to work on my sleep cycle, I'm getting there, 9am today! I am finally starting to enjoy the little things again).
Here are a few quotes, I can’t remember where some came from the show “Chance” (I highly recommend watching this, it is super interestin. It features Hugh Laurie. Some quotes are from a Psychology podcast.
- “What we do and what we say have an impact on other people, whether we want to or not". Translation: Human pain is universal, language leads to suffering.
- “If you lose someone you love from death, divorce, friendship or even the loss of a job...The same part in our brains that says “l can’t hurt” is the same part of the brain that says “I can’t sing, dance, love, have fun”. It can get you down to a point where you are just waiting for life to be over, but it isn’t.”
- “What we expect from people now isn’t based on what we need but what we don’t want. it isn’t based on what we like but what we dislike and not who we base our friends around with who we want to keep out. It is a response that can only impact the individual choice.”
- “Human pain is universal, suffering is something we add by the mishandling of pain....driven by a problem-solving motive mind we have put our mind on SO many steroids because of the modern culture that we have, we have created a huge problem for ourselves by how we use our cognitive capacity.”
- “Pain contains things that you care about. That hurt inside is the love for whom/what you lost and that’s...not your enemy. Pain is a part of life, suffering, is something different. “ Dr Scott Barry Kaufman
Well on that note, time to change course and do something else for a while!
Jenny🧚♂️🌈💗
