This Nurse Practitioner of a Psychiatrist knew to test me for MTHFR and knew I had PTSD. She put me on a different medication, I started feeling better emotionally and I am getting more energy. It’s great! She was on point.
The fact that some people are more prone to depression & anxiety & that it was “incurable” and hearing about all the horrible side effects of anti depressants it made me feel completely hopeless and helpless. A burden, therefore I would have to suffer the rest of my life, alone once I drove everyone away. Same with chronic pain. Soon every tiny thing overwhelmed me, paralyzed me, pained me. I hated myself more every day for being depressed when I have the dream life!
I didn’t know how to show love correctly. Social skills didn’t come naturally to me and I am very shy. They didn’t teach social skills at all back when we were in school (that I can remember, I have a slight delay..which made school difficult).
Feeling better is great, the flashbacks are another story, and feel more like a setback, though I know allowing myself to healthily grieve, is important. Some days, are really tough, I am not one to lie about my struggles. Some times it’s difficult to know if I am over thinking or thinking just enough? Days where I can hardly get out of bed or from emotional & physical pain. Some days it’s difficult to sit down and even read self help books because I fear the memories and pain that keep coming. I am afraid of what’s behind these blanks. They seem to happen when I am in a good mood or relaxed (of course!).
The emotional flashbacks...remembering the feelings associated with a memory I have always had, is strange and hard, and confusing. All of them are. They’re memories I forgot I had forgotten. Inappropriate things have happened to me more times than I can count, and I am embarrassed with all my raising awareness and I didn’t even understand what I was really going through.
I realize that I have struggled with PTSD since around 7-8 years old, it only kept increasing with every traumatic incidient. Having PTSD was “normal” to me. I was unaware that others will judge my situation if they feel they wouldn’t be traumatized and if if was “traumatizing enough”. Sadly, I saw this in support groups while observing. I have dissociation where my mind just “blanks” and it appears I am not listening, and I am not, however it isn’t purpose. It’s hard to explain. It also seems I have a language delay. All of this can have to do with anxiety, sure. Due to my research, I have a cognitive delay (This category includes thinking skills, learning, reasoning, and memory.) As well as emotional and social delays (This includes the ability to have meaningful relationships with others, interact with others, and be able to pick up on social cues). Since I am an adult this is workable but most likely be permanent. This MTHFR gene is nothing to mess around with. Folic acid and deodorant as well as everything else bad in our foods builds up and destroys the system. Not being able to absorb folic acid can affect cellular repair which is crucial. The younger in identifying this, the better.
In the end, our bodies & nervous system, our brains are so much more complex than stereotypes.
I will probably always be accused of being a liar, complainer, pessimist, manipulator. This hit me hard because that’s not what I was ever doing. I have too much hope in me to be a pessimist. I was one about myself. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I just needed someone to hear me, and some did, and some waited, prayed, and encouraged me until I found I DID have the strength to start digging myself out of the dark hole. I sought people to understand, but I learned the hard way, not many people my age go through the things that I have, and judge when they’re frustrated I’m not getting better. A chronic illness is on going. In fact no one goes through the same experiences with the same chemical imbalances, the same perspectives and same trauma in their lives. No individual with one condition should be compared to another individual with the same condition. It’s ableism. Everyone suffers in their own way, differently, not comparatively.
The answer is way more simple & a lot less interesting to gossip about.
I was hurt, I was lost. I didn’t trust doctors anymore a) because they wanted to throw pills instead of find the underlying and 2) being assaulted by neurologist. I didn’t know how to live anymore. I have reasons for that, too. Completely understandable reasons. I was always and still am constantly afraid what I say will hurt people because, I know how easily I get hurt. I know what I say doesn’t come out how I mean to say it. I told everyone personal things because I wanted to connect with someone. I wanted to be saved from all the pain and confusion. I was being saved, I just didn’t realize it yet. I finally got my health answers and they also seemed to come with some eye opening wisdom.
I’m glad I went through all of those years. I am so glad I wasn’t given up on. These people brought me out of a dark place I never thought I’d get out of, and I’m not even 32 yet & I finally have a childish excitement/nervousness in me.
I will always have my gene mutation to deal with, but it’s tolerable... I think... lately? I imagine once I get on the right supplements & get dog walking again. CPTSD is a bit harder. I am crossing my fingers I don’t have POTS, Lymes, Celiac, Hashimoto's & specific allergies and whatever complications that the MTHFR mutation has caused thus far (likely I have an autoimmune or thyroid issue will be tested in March). I’d rather not have an autoimmune with superbugs out there, but all I asked God was for answers, I didn’t care if there was a cure or not.
I need help right now to remember things, even for a simple routine. Reminders to shower, to take supplements at the right time to remember basic things. I am so humiliated for being ashamed. When it’s yourself, that shame just brings you down. It was hard being so young and already failing in the career world, which is the only way to survive in this world, it seems. I didn’t want to HAVE to depend on someone else, at all. Even if I get disability, it’s not enough to live on, I am too young and haven’t “put enough into the system”. I let my fears and “what ifs” get to me. It is OKAY to ask for help. I need to keep remembering this. I am NOT alone.
I believed this advice applied to everyone else BUT me, because I was a just a “horrible person”.
I feel this is important to share, because of all the misconceptions of PTSD and lack of awareness on CPTSD and how serious it can become.
Thank you for reading! Happy love day!
