Trigger Warning: Suicide
Sometimes, PMDD (a hormonal disorder I am dealing with) can bring on these "episodes" & "suicidal thoughts/urges". I now understand these urges pass, because it’s hormonal and lines up with my cycle. However, not everyone can predict these kinds of episodes and when you’re in one, it’s hard to explain. Hormones are powerful, so powerful they can convince a mother who loves her child more than life, to do things she'd never dream of doing in her right mind. I am aware I will definitely need assistance from others. I feel it's important to share the information.
PMDD is going to still mess with my head, maybe the rest of my life. I am trying a new B/C to see if I can get that under control. This is my "good week" of the month, and considering some things that came to light, I am incredibly excited about what life & God have in store next. For endometriosis, I will be scheduling a laparoscopy after the new year. I have talked to an anesthesiologist about my concerns and he, explained what I suspected and wrote about on my last blog : how pain medications go through the body, and that I am not the only one this happens to. (pain pills not working, super high tolerance, waking up after being put to sleep during procedures etc.) The metabolizing of pain medication is different for everyone. There is no "one amount fits all" one pill may knock most people out, but there are exceptions like me, where one pill, does nothing. It's nice to know that I am not alone, and it's not "all in my head", that my research and thought was on point although I didn't understand all that he was saying! 😊
I want to talk about some stages when it comes to feeling suicidal to help clarify some things for some people. A lot of people only know how to react by calling 911 the second the words of suicide is mentioned, they're scared, they don't want to feel responsible. I get it. However, calling 911 in an instant, you aren't taking into account how much harder this could make life for people. The stigma in society, in the work world, by police, in the health world, the stigma is still too big and too damaging This can affect their social life, their job, possible job, it'll be on their record forever and if it isn't necessary? It's a waste or resources at the hospital who could be helping those that are attempting or threatening to attempt.
Not to mention taking people to the hospital also takes them out of their comfort zone, things that keep them calm. People just don't understand if they haven't been there, and I am hoping to clarify it for those that are kind enough to read my blog, to know what to do in the future with me, and to know how to handle it in the future if you ever come across it.
When someone jumps to conclusions or threatens to call 911....
The person will feel like:
"Well I can't go to Facebook for help anymore"
"I can't say that on social media"
"I can't go to that person for help anymore."
"They just didn't want to deal with me so they threw me in the hospital/alerted someone"
It only limits the ways people can reach out. It limits the amount of resources people have. If they are reaching out, reaching out is a wonderful sign!
I got alerted today for being suicidal on Facebook. I found it weird because no one reached out to me first to just check in and see if I was okay. It made me automatically think, "they just didn't want to deal with me so they alert Facebook so they feel better about themselves without getting involved" In away, that's the truth. Concerned people would message me first, to see if I was okay, message me to see if there is anything I need. If they had, they'd know I was actually having a really great day.
We really need to stop being so quick to call 911, we need to stop being so quick to judge people in pain. It only contributes to the stigma.
I understand the need/want to help, the need to feel like you've done everything you can and "what if" they end up doing it anyway? "What if I should have done this instead?" or "I should have called 911" right? You can only control your actions. You cannot control another's. You can only continue to learn, so people can feel comfortable talking about it on Facebook, so you can help effectively if you're ever in this position, and so maybe, someday the stigma will lessen, and we will no longer have to fight this in silence. The silence only makes the devil louder in this situation.
I posted a blog about my PMDD, what it was like because it's commonly misdiagnosed as mental disorders and then women aren't getting the correct help because the problem is hormonal/not stemming from the brain. Hormonal treatments with anti depressants can really help. But if you're missing the hormonal treatments, you won't get "better". PMDD actually gets worse as you age.
I'm hoping if I can put these thoughts/urges/actions into "stages" people might be able to understand a little better.
Stage 1
Having a horrible day, week, month, year, years...and you wouldn't ever harm yourself, but you wouldn't mind if a truck came out and hit you.
Having a horrible day, week, month, year, years...and you wouldn't ever harm yourself, but you wouldn't mind if a truck came out and hit you.
Example: Sometimes thinking of jumping off a roof but know you wouldn't do that. (Life still outweighs death at this point.)
--For this person, I suggest you reach out to a trusted friend, and find a counselor in your area to work with.
--If you friend is at this point, and calls you, don't call 911. They will only feel like you're another person they can't trust. Be there, listen. This will help them not get to stage #2.
***If they can't find anyone to talk to, & we can't be sure that hormones/neurotransmitters are under control, it can be easy to slip into stage 2. But if they have someone with them, it makes it easier to get out of this stage.
***If they can't find anyone to talk to, & we can't be sure that hormones/neurotransmitters are under control, it can be easy to slip into stage 2. But if they have someone with them, it makes it easier to get out of this stage.
Stage 2
You're seriously thinking about suicide, thinking of a plan.
Example: You're on the roof, and you're considering maybe jumping, but you need help not getting away from the roof (Life & death are starting to weigh the same).
--If this is you, and you aren't going through some kind of counseling I urge you to find a counselor that does behavioral/cognitive & mindfulness training (IE: gives you tools to handle theses situations alone). Seek outpatient help as soon as possible, because the hospital or death is the next step. Start joining support groups, they are there for when you can't find support from anyone else in your life.
-If a person is reaching out at this point, that is a good sign, that means they don't want to get to the #3 stage and you can most likely talk them out of getting to #3 this is a delicate stage where intervention from someone is usually needed. Intervention meaning a friend or family to talk to, not quite 911.
Stage 3
When the person has a plan, is thinking about how they when they will do it.
Example: You're on the ledge of the roof, about to jump. (Death looks better than life)
--If this is you, find someone you trust to talk to that has experience and knowledge of what you're dealing with. If you don't have that, a crisis line, support groups etc., a crisis line, someone in. Definitely get medical care, the brain is so tricky, it'll convince you that you have no worth, that no one cares, those that say they do are all faking it, that you're a burden & believe your death would lift the burden over the people you love.
--If this person calls you...go over there, be with them, or find someone that can be. Sit with them as long as needed, console them, listen to them. Just releasing all of those emotions helps A LOT. This is where you need to use your gut. But you can only use your gut, after you hear the person out. Otherwise you have no idea. You need to reach out to the person and talk to them!
I've experienced all of this. I have experienced Stage 1, 2, & 3.
Last time I was at stage 2, I called someone who offered; the second I mentioned suicide she started to dial 911 (thankfully she didn't go through with it). But because I told her no I wasn't in danger of harming myself, (I was at Stage #2...but didn't know how to explain it) and really needed someone to sit with me, just be with me. So I didn't go to Stage #3. Then she claimed I manipulated people saying that if I was serious I need to go to the emergency room. Otherwise I'm pretty much "crying wolf" and she left me alone. I know now she's not a person I can rely on. At the same time, it really hurts.
You do not want to challenge someone or claim they are lying about taking their own life. That is exactly what you don't want to do.
When someone reaches out, that is a GOOD sign They're trying to prevent going to the next stage. The smallest thing (good & bad) can change stages.You can't possibly know but hopefully this can help people be aware of the signs/stages of suicide and know how to react when someone reaches out. Maybe they are lying for attention, but do you want to risk judging them on the fact that maybe they're lying? That also doesn't mean call 911, it means reach out before you do anything. Keep them talking if they need to.
Being there & listening, helping them if they need help with something is all you can do. Unless they're on the edge, then call 911 if you feel fit. If you believe you can talk them down, always try that before going to 911. LISTEN.
If you think they're manipulating, you can't possibly know what's going on inside their head, and it's always good to give people the benefit of the doubt because what happens when you think they're manipulating and they take their life and you ignored them when they asked for help?
I don't know about anyone else, but I don't want to be put in that situation.
This was a lot, but given today that I was alerted on Facebook for being suicidal, I knew I needed to finish this blog and get it out.
I'm actually on my "good week" of PMDD. I was having such a good day and then being alerted on Facebook stung for a moment...no one even checked to see if I'm okay, but they're fine putting a suicidal alert on me?
Then I remember, regardless, I know I am okay. I know what I'm doing, going through, and what I need to do.
I'm going to spend the week preparing for our first house guests, our niece we have never met, Josie, and Dan & Danielle! I cannot wait. Painting our starts back up again tomorrow!
Jenny
