Validation!

Content Warning: suicide

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Hello readers,

Thanks to therapy, I’m finally starting to understand that everything that happens to me isn’t my fault. One day driving home from a doctor appointment two weeks ago, I was feeling great, and then some memories I have always had started run through my brain. Suddenly I started to remember the feelings associated with the memories. They have always been clear as day but some with blocks. I remember the before and after. I know enough to know, I had no control and I was way too young; 7-8 years old.

I saw my Psychiatrist shortly after; luckily, I had an appointment booked. When I walked in, I told her what I said here, with my memories typed out because explaining, is triggering. I can talk about it, just not the experience.  She gave me a comforting smile and said, “I know you have PTSD. I had it written in your chart a year ago”. I have always felt like I had the same symptoms, but couldn’t recall something that would give me PTSD. Also, we don’t get to chose what incidents will affect us. Car accidents, witnessing murder, abuse (verbal & physical). What may traumatize one person, may not traumatize another. Never judge someone in what causes them PTSD.

She explained, that apparently when someone goes through something traumatic, to protect us, our brain creates nerves, and these nerves produce a neurotransmitter called glutamate (fight/flight/freeze). The problem is that the glutamate never goes away. It leaves your body in a constant fight/flight mode (constantly on edge). I was flabbergasted. That’s exactly how I am. “Hypervigilance” is what it is called. I flinch sometimes when I’m touched, I get spooked easily and I don’t know how to relax my muscles. It takes real effort. Even with real effort in PT my muscles weren’t fully relaxed.

No wonder antidepressants aren’t working! Same with anxiety meds (they help but are a band aid). I am trying something new that is supposed to suppress the glutamate in the brain. Which is wonderful! to start at a tiny dose and work their way up to the needed dose for side effects, which means it could take 4 months to be effective. This, will be difficult for me. I’m used to 1-2 weeks but 4 months?! I worry about insurance switches. I haven’t gotten my card and last time this happened I didn’t get mine until the end of February. To make appointments or to see doctors, you need your ID card so now all this progress is going to be temporarily haulted. 😔 I don’t want to be on edge all the time, it is exhausting and painful, however it is exciting to find something that might be able help. In a article from The Mighty, they claim the pain associated with hypervigilance could be Fibromyalgia.  I wonder if people with Fibromyalgia also have PTSD?

I mean couldn’t this wait until after the New Year?! I do know that my brain never gives us what we can’t handle and as much as it sucks, it also means I am making progress in my life. Which is reassuring. It’s also reassuring that

• It’s not all in my head
• I have a reason why I am the way I am
• I have new insight
• New treatments
• My pain is not all in my head

Child abuse happens to way more children than people realize. I understand people put those memes “we used to be unsupervised running around and the sun going down was our curfew” I get it. I’m not all for super helicopter parenting but you know what happens when kids run around the neighborhood? They can also be preyed on. I don’t blame anyone but the predator. In the 90’s we were always running around in between houses. 

I fully support parents who call and get to know both parents if a child is playing at their house, especially a sleepover but child sex abuse can happen in the middle of daylight. Nowadays I believe there should be inspection of parents of who those whose friends your children play with, and if your instinct goes off, offer at your house. , and I fully believe that. It won’t stop these things from happening but I think it could reduce it, make it safer for the children.

I can feel something stirring inside me and it’s a bit frightening, but I’m curious. Health wise, emotionally. This past year has been rocky and eye opening is what I could say. 

My specialist in gynecological pain switched me to a birth control that has a higher amount of progesterone (which is risky at my old age) but so far it’s gone really well (this is my “good week” of the month). I’ll explain:

Week 1: (as long as my other issues don’t interfere) I’m free, I’m free!

Week 2: Here we go. From here each day gets worse, mood wise you I don’t feel myself. Bodily wise I have aches, pains. 

Week 3: (Normal PMS) PMS x 100% Serious hormonal migraines. Here, the hormones pretty much take over my brain. I’m edgy, I want to be left alone but then feel lonely. I get “hulk” angry, if (let’s be honest, when) I take it out on someone... I then turn all that anger & hate into hating myself & suicidal thoughts & urges creep in. I know they pass, but sometimes I need someone to just be with me or listen. 

Week 4: Period comes: this is when emotionally I feel a complete relief but... since I possibly have endometriosis, it’s not over. Time for the physical pain. My period is usually 7 days. The first 4 painful cramps (possible endometriosis cramps), next 3 days probably normal cramps women have that don't have issues. However if I bleed, I'm cramping. That's pretty much it.  Along with the cramps: back aches. Body aches, weak, fatigue which is also much more severe than the majority of women's periods.

That’s enough on my health.

Happy Holidays!! 🎄✨