Well it has been well over a year since I have written in my blog. My last one outlined all my diagnoses as of now, but I am learning I may be gluten intolerant if not Celiac's. I need to be tested, I need to find a new PCP first, which isn't easy on Medicaid. They are all clinic doctors that don't know much about my conditions. My PCP closed his practice fast, and I had no time to find a new doctor. Will be searching soon after I finish this blog.
So much has happened, I got 2 new nieces, Mary & Josie and they're both such beautiful babies! Russ's parents moved to Newport News, VA so Russ and I are renting the house here in Pistakee Highlands from them, hopefully going to buy sometime in the future. It's been an adjustment for sure, but it is so incredibly amazing to have our own place. This is the first time we have had a place of our own (besides when I was in college & then I had roommates that weren't super close to me so it didn't quite feel like home). We both like things neat, which is great because the house is almost always clean. If we get a visitor it's not like we have to run around last minute cleaning because it's already clean! Which is really great.
My friend that I raved about a couple blogs ago, suddenly "ghosted" me which is a thing these days where if you want to stop talking to someone, you block everything so they can't contact you. I got no explanation. Nothing. It really broke my heart. We were incredibly close. We clicked instantly and she really brightened my life the past year. It's been hard, she used to keep me company during the day & made me feel I was worth something.
Many people dislike me, and thanks to the internet people get bold and they say it loud and harsh. I don't know what's worse, honestly. Being "ghosted" or having insults tossed at me. For one, "ghosting" makes me wonder, go back & think of if I did anything and what it was. It boggles my mind & causes me to overthink and overthink some more. If they toss insults, I at least know what I did, however those insults would swirl in my head and I'd believe them, because that's just how it goes for me due to depression and its lies. It's hard for me to imagine that anyone could like me...so when someone finally did like me, who I confided in and really trusted (too fast like I tend to do) it really caught me off guard. I guess it's a learning experience. I need to not talk about things anymore because the people that actually care to listen, are few and far between. I constantly get cut off, like I wasn't speaking at all. It happens so much more to me it seems than other people. I guess my personality isn't exactly desired.
The house is great but we are hoping to put finishing touches on it to make it more like ours. It still feels like his parent's house in appearance so hopefully we will find accents & small touches to start with.
Russ & I will be together 10 years this November/December (it depends who you ask)! haha. It kind of sucks that if you don't get married & don't have children, you don't ever get a registry party to start your life and kick start your home. Let's face it ...it isn't cheap for one couple/on one income to buy all of those things but since most people think I'm faking to get out of working, they're not going to give me free things, I don't even deserve assistance from the government.
I love Hobby Lobby, TJ Max & Ross, however it still adds up for one household on one salary to buy it all. I don't agree with the fact that just because a couple isn't married, their love doesn't get celebrated the way those who are married do. Obviously for one year or something doesn't quite make sense but 10 years is a big deal. Just something I've been thinking about. Don't get me wrong, I am SO thankful for things that his parents allowed us to keep! If we didn't have that, we would be utterly screwed, but it sucks they also had to give us so much. I just want to make the place ours. I got an IKEA catalog in the mail and it really made me yearn to update decorate & have touches of Russ & I in the house. I know it takes time, I'm just very impatient...and people usually get a good start with registry parties. We haven't gotten that.
I'm taking life one day at a time. With so many issues, it is literally something every single day. It's incredibly frustrating but I have to let go of the self pity and learn to live with it. I'm going to have these for life, I need to learn how to deal with them & live the best quality life that I can, even though I have many limitations, it's certainly an adjustment. I got a college degree to plan to work my entire life, and I am having a hard time accepting I won't be able to, most likely. With pain, a source of comfort is food sometimes. (I'm either not hungry at all, or starving) but it brings me a little bit of joy. Trust me, I take those moments when I can get them!
I'm a picky eater, I have a texture problem. And now I have to do gluten free, which is going to be so difficult for me given my severe picky eating. Also, I found even if it has the "Gluten free" approval label if you read ingredients gluten is still hidden in there. I don't have the stamina & energy to look up every ingredient to see if it's a different name for gluten. I don't understand how they can have the seal of approval for Gluten Free, yet have gluten hidden in the ingredients as a different name. For people with Celiacs disease, that's dangerous. But for no...to start, we are going to slowly incorporate it into our food while we finish the food with gluten we already bought.
I had broken down because everything I like has gluten in it. I mean, sometimes due to depression I go days without eating and even if it's my favorite food I have trouble eating it. How am I going to deal with this? For the record, my health is very important to me and I plan on getting tested once I find a new PCP. However, picky eating isn't just me being a brat, it's a texture thing that makes my gag reflexes go, especially with most vegetables. People can't possibly understand. I'd love to be able to enjoy vegetables and other GF things. It's just difficult, and MUCH more expensive which then has me blaming myself and hating myself even more. Luckily Aldi has a great selection of GF things as well as Jewel. I'm going to start with GF label, and trust it to begin with. See if it makes any difference.
I have a rare skin disorder linked to gluten intolerance. It haunted me as a kid on my hands and feet. It would itch really badly, then blister (small water blisters) , then crack (sometimes really deep) and start to heal and when its almost healed, the cycle starts over. It was so embarrassing in gym class when we'd square dance, none of the boys wanted to touch my hands. We went to so many doctors and finally went to a doctor that seemed to know what he was talking about, and he was more of a natural doctor...so in the 90's a lot of people saw him as a quack (I guess today some still do). However, he gave my mom a list of foods I cannot eat, and I know it was cake, pasta, etc. I was devastated as a child and me being a picky eater (the list was small font and pages and pages) it would have been incredibly difficult if not impossible. However, when I read about this rare skin condition, I went to an article and low and behold it's exactly what I had. It is called Dermatitis Herpetiformis and it still occurs on my hands from time to time. I've had trouble because I already have trouble even having an appetite. I have so many issues already that costs so much money, and now I have to go gluten free which because of my picky eating will cost more money. We are overwhelmed a little, but we love & support each other very much. I don't think I could get through all of this without Russ. He's my rock. He's such an amazing man, I can't say it enough.
Well, first update in a while...I'm going to try to blog more because it's a great way to vent and get things off my chest. Purge those thoughts.
Jenny
