I don't know who I am anymore. I avoid social groups because of my social anxiety, but I need to push through it. What is your biggest fear? Heights? Spiders? Closed Spaces? Public Speaking? Picture yourself dealing with your biggest fear. What are you experiencing? Rapid heartrate? Sweats? Panic? Hard to Breathe? That is what it feels like for me when I am in groups of people.
Even if I can't attend because I'm not feeling well, doesn't mean I don't want an invitation. I'd like to know if I am feeling up to it, I could go. There have been times I've felt okay but wasn't invited because I hadn't gone to dozens of others, and I completely understand the notion "why bother? she won't come anyway" point too. I'm not upset at all. I guess I want to know people still think about me...in a positive way.
While this conradicts my past post about wanting to be included in group outings, I should explain why. Like good ol' Eeyore, his friends know his condition and are okay if he isn't smiling. I write blogs so my loved ones and friends can somewhat understand me better and not take it personal or think I love you all any less when I hybernate. It's just sometimes I am unable to express emotion at all due to the other monkey on my back called depression. Just because I am not in a talkative or peppy mood hanging out, I still enjoy laughing with groups of people. I miss playing board games. Cards Against Humanity is a game I have yet to play that I'm dying to play.
I just wish I could accept myself the way I am, instead of taking harsh critisism and trying to change myself. I have trouble being myself because I over think, did I offend that person? Did I say something stupid? Are they mad at me? It's exhausting, after I do speak it's "wow I sounded like an idiot". I know this is a very annoying quality, but I don't want friends walking on eggshells either. If there is a problem, I talk it out. Conversations usually aren't finished until both parties feel comfortable., at least that's how I like to handle conflict.
I am constantly trying to become a better person. That should count for something, right?
PS If someone is sharing my blog to persons simply to make fun at my struggles, please contact me.
