November 17th, 2015

I've been hesitant to write in my public journal for some time now because I've been going through a rough time. I write this in hopes that someone else out there struggling can relate and not feel so alone. Although this rut is so hard to explain, I figured I'd write a blog that can maybe help others understand. I'm mostly sick of being stigmatized as lazy, "crazy" and over sensitive. Being over sensitive can be a lot to handle, but it also means I'm sensitive towards everyone as much as my energy allows. I want to help people, but the energy and black cloud over me for the past two years diminishes hope of ever recovering from this dark pit of depression and anxiety.

I'm sick of hiding, I'm sick of the stigma. This is a very real illness that leads a lot of deaths in suicide. I have lost a lot of friends who don't exactly understand. Telling me to "suck it up" "think positive"...but it doesn't work that way not for those with a chemical imbalance. My theory is everyone gets depressed. Life circumstances can interfere. Life circumstances aren't easy and can very well lead to deep depression, however I feel those depression episodes are easier to break out of because you can exercise, distract yourself, think positive. But when you have a chemical imbalance, your brain lies to you, it sucks your motivation, it basically makes you feel dead inside, for months...years at a time. Which makes it much harder to treat because there feels like there is no end in sight.

I've been dealing with anxiety since i could remember. Depression since puberty, and migraines since a child. I'm always in pain. I know this is such a downer post. I just wish I could get out of this dark hole. Some people suggest getting a job, but when I think about working when I can barely get out of bed, I'd rather die. I hate feeling like this..over 20 years, and the past 2 years in a major depressive episode. It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. No relief in sight.

Most importantly, do not compare my illness with anyone else's. Just because someone you know is better able to function with their illness and hold down a job, does not mean all illnesses are the same. I have had some criticism over the past few years from people who just don't understand. Some know others with illnesses that succeed at life better than me, which gives no right to have it thrown in my face that I'm a bigger failure than your friend or family member.

Every illness is unique, Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar, OCD, PTSD, Schizophrenia...etc. It affects everyone differently. Nature vs Nurture. People have a certain predisposition to mental illness along with their natural upbringing which is unique to every person. No one should judge, especially people who come from families that can afford to send their loved ones to resort treatment centers.

I've been accused of making up my depression, anxiety and troubles. This sickens me. Yes 17 years I have made this up. Starting in Jr High. It amazes me how some people can be so cruel. 

For those of you who have insinuated I haven't made progress, think again. I make progress every single day. I'm alive today aren't I? Everyday I work to better myself and it isn't easy when I have no idea how to find self worth.

I wish I could be normal, bask in all the miracles on the earth, travel, hold down a job, get my life started but I feel I am at a standstill with no desire to even exist. I wish Illinois had better mental health care...so I could get in therapy, see a psychiatrist and get my medication figured out. But Psychiatrists take months and months to see, and my insurance limits 3 visits per year which isn't nearly enough.

To my dear friends and family who still reach out to me, this is why I have been MIA mostly and not my same self. I want to thank you all for still continuing to reach out to me, letting me know you still care for me. I want to thank you all for putting up with me and still continue to love me....it means more than you know you all keep me going, even if I don't always reply right away and break plans. I care about you, friends and family deeply. I wish I could be the friend and family member to that you all that you deserve.

"I know I'm hard to love and I'm all broken inside, but I promise you, I'm loving you with everything I am. I'm loving you with all my pieces".

For those of you who don't quite get the feelings of depression, here are some pictures/quotes for you. I wouldn't wish this kind of mental illness on anyone else, these struggles but sometimes I wish for an hour people could experience what it was like. It is absolutely no picnic whatsoever but I must have redeeming qualities, otherwise I wouldn't have the amazing support I have. I need you all to know I am doing the best I can with what I have and I'm sick of being judged and stigmatized.

Hopefully those who don't quite understand, these quotes will help. It isn't easy and remember everyone's journey is unique, don't compare yours or others' journey to anyone else's. Accept those for who they are. Mental illness is not the only identity of someone. Depression and Anxiety sneak up whenever. Please lets learn tolerance, love and acceptance.

Love,
Jenny

"Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self., as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience a room in hell with only your name on the door".


"Depression is a flaw in chemistry, not character".