December 8th, 2014

Like I've mentioned before, I have the trait of sensory processing sensitivity, or easier for everyone...highly sensitive person, or HSP. I'm also an introvert (80% are) and battle with depression. I also grew up in a pretty critical and judgement household which doesn't help the situation out, either. I found a great article on sensitivity linked to too much criticism. It explains how it criticism affects your life, your thoughts, your relations with others. The article basically states that if you grow up in a critical or judgement environment, you see criticism as natural and believe all future criticism from others. It becomes your inner voice.

 I will quote some of the most important things if you don't feel like reading the entire article: You're NOT too sensitive,

"If you are tolerating this kind of criticism from others, chances are that you are used to talking to yourself like this. Your relationship with yourself could be more loving and accepting. For example, when you make a mistake are you constantly reaming yourself unmercifully for messing up or are you able to forgive yourself relatively quickly and move on?

Self-criticism is actually worse than being criticized by another, as there is no immediate escape from it. So, if you are relentlessly telling yourself that you are bad, flawed, fat, unattractive, stupid, uncaring, lazy, etc., you may have trouble even wanting to get out of bed. You may feel depressed, angry, helpless, or ashamed, because you don’t know how to get out of this cycle. But with guts, patience, compassion, and time you absolutely can change the way you talk to yourself. It is a huge commitment to constantly monitor your mind chatter, but well worth the effort." Nancy Simon

Now, I love my parents very much and believe they did the best they knew how and I in no means am writing this to bash them, more myself. 

I have such low self-esteem and have been hurt by people so many times that have said such hurtful things, I end up naturally putting up a wall between new people before I have a chance to get to know them, or to get hurt  It's my defense mechanism. I push people away before they can get to know me truly. It's gotten worse and worse through the years because the more criticism I get, the more negative thoughts fill my head (which is what I'm attempting to work on)  It's this weird process of being afraid... yet trusting people too much and too quickly desperate for a connection. I end up sharing too much information right away because honestly, I am usually very open and trusting person naturally, but I've been told I share too much, too quickly. The harder I try not to say too much the more word vomit comes out of my mouth. 

Most think I'm crazy, or my wall goes up if I'm having a bad day of depression or have been recently hurt. Others may just easily be scared off because of my abruptness and they could have turned out to be a great friend. 

I write this blog (not that anyone probably even reads it) because I want to be understood...especially lately. Also though, if this can help someone going through some similar things, maybe they can understand themselves better, and know they aren't alone. Maybe a family member or partner loves someone and can't understand what their loved one is going through, maybe they stumble across this and reads it and it helps them understand someone a little bit better...it's worth it. 

I'm not perfect, I hate myself so much which is why I want to shelter myself from others. But I also want true friends that stick up for one another. Maybe I am too loyal. There have been times people have said stuff to my good friends and I'd jump right in. But whenever I need a hand....there's no one. Which only leads me to interpret that they think I'm wrong, or agree with the other person, which only makes me hate myself more. I also then get defensive against my friends because...I'd stick up for them, yet people get away with saying horrid things that should only be said to pedophiles or serial killers and no one can't back me up? It puts a strain on things for sure.

As an introvert (which in another post I'll go into depth about the differences), I've always done better having a small group of friends (2-5) and of course in smaller crowds.

I also don't know how to not be paranoid that someone secretly hates me and am constantly afraid they're going to tell me more horrible things about me that I can add to the reasons I hate myself. Even the people closest to me I constantly fear will leave. 

More people than I care to admit have hurt me in ways that are unforgivable...especially for an HSP/Introvert. Sticks & Stones? Words DO hurt.

Then of course there are the people who tell me to change and I wonder...why can't they change and become more open-minded? I'm very aware of flaws I need to work on and if I continue to take every criticism I get... I'll be dead a lot sooner. People need to accept that being sensitive also has plenty of great qualities too that a lot of people feel outweigh the bad.

It is also a trait. One that people are not only born with, but one that also develops like a lot of traits; Nature vs Nurture or Nature &  Nurture.. 

Next time you offend someone by accident (hopefully not on purpose) and they take it more personally than you meant it, be an adult and apologize. if they get offended easily they're most likely an Introvert and will apologize back because we greatly dislike confrontations and arguments.