December 9th, 2014

What better time to reflect on yourself when your mind is running at night and you can't sleep? Some things have gone on lately in my personal life those who know...know. I'll leave it at that. It's just made me do some serious self reflection. I was accused of some awful things, and called some horrible things and accused of making up my depression to manipulate people. It boggled my mind because things I was accused of, wouldn't even dawn on me to ever do. Fake depression? Spend thousands of dollars on doctors since high school? Sick, disgusting human being was among those, liar, fake, and always wanting to be a victim, crazy, psychopath...etc. I said some things too, mostly defending myself and I truly tried to stay away from name calling because I simply hate that and it isn't beneficial to anyone. I probably said they were cruel for things they were saying and I know I did say something that was taken out of context and was out of line I truly from the bottom of my heart didn't mean it how it came out, but from someone who thinks I'm a psychopath will never believe that. I feel the need to defend myself but I don't even know why, because afterwords, all I do is think...are they right?

I hate that my feelings are so incredibly vivid...I hate it so much. I hate that these things make me cry so easily and make me hate myself even more and wonder if they are true. If I just don't realize it myself. I know the depression part I sure don't make up, but am I cruel? A terrible person? disgusting human being? A psychopath? I can't even (nor do I want to) remember the other things said. I know I'm not fake because plenty of problems have occurred because I lack the ability to smile and act okay when things aren't which ironically started this. But the other stuff...could it be true? I kept thinking, things I was accused of being, I'd never even consider myself to be that, lots of other things, but those things? Like making up depression? Who even thinks of doing something like that? 

Then I got to thinking about the defense mechanism: Projection. This is where others will project how they feel about themselves on to you out of anger. Subconsciously so usually people don't realize that's what they're doing. I'm no mind reader though, maybe the person really truly believes that's who I am, which really sucks. 

I also realized, I also use projection. See...I always thought that when I fear someone doesn't like me, I start thinking of reasons why I might not like them as a defense it takes me a while to realize I'm doing this...but I eventually become aware. Projection is the opposite and maybe all along I've done the opposite. Maybe subconsciously I don't like that person, so I make up reasons I think they don't like me. After all, defense mechanisms are subconscious. 

But if I was really this terrible person I was told I was, would I be losing 2 nights sleep over this? Would I have cried a night and half a day over it? 

I think about myself a lot, but it's always about what I am doing wrong. Not how I can benefit myself. Not how to scheme people or manipulate them. I'm a horrid liar, it's all in my face. I don't know what goes on in other's heads. But I do mine, and if I were a psychopath, I'd be sleeping soundly right now. Not going over everything in my head.

It just really, really sucks, but I've got to find a way to let it go.