The mental health stigma in the world really bothers me. Not just because I am victim to it, but because by now we should know better... especially the United States. Every person I know has something that can be categorized by the DSM-5 on some spectrum. No, not because of the company I keep, but because we as people are flawed. We all have flaws and struggles within us and some of us, if on the higher spectrum need more help than others. One of the most common mental health issues and yet the most misunderstood issues is Depression.
Depression. I am specifically talking about depression when there is seemingly no reason to be depressed, otherwise known as a chemical imbalance. So many people tell those in the middle of a depressive episode to think positive, to meditate, that they have no reason to feel the way they do, that they are being selfish, that life could be a lot worse, that the person is weak and pathetic, etc.
That person feels so much shame already these are not recommended tactics. These will only make the person isolate themselves more, and not feel comfortable opening up to you again. Some of those things are nice, however they are not helpful at all. A depressive episode doesn't happen because of a person's lack of positive attitude or because the person isn't meditating enough, they happen because the chemicals in their brain are unbalanced. While meditating is a great coping mechanism, as well as "self love" and positive thoughts... often, the only thing that can pull someone out of a Major Depressive Episode is medication--and that's okay. If you are lacking chemicals in your brain and you need medication to balance them out, it is like taking a vitamin.
Other examples I gave above that are said are rude and cruel and you think, "Who would actually say that to someone who is depressed?", well...they've all been said to me, and from the reaction from Robin Williams' suicide (RIP), it happens a lot more often than not...too often.
That entire situation enraged me. Those with severe depression, and especially those accompanied with suicidal thoughts, feel like an incredible burden to their family. They truly believe that their family would be much better off without them. They love their family so much they don't want their family to keep having to care for them and to deal with them. They feel like a burden and an obligation. Not to mention, those battling with depression don't understand how one can even love them in the first place, and more often than not, fear and wonder if the only reason their family is staying with them is simply because they're kind people and are afraid the person would take their life if they left. Again, another take on feeling like a burden and an obligation.
Another thing to remember is, that just because someone is in a Major Depressive Episode, and wants to die, does not mean that they are suicidal. However, just because they aren't suicidal, does not mean you can just look the other way and not treat them with the delicacies you would as someone who is suicidal. Because of their lack of desire to live they may become more careless with driving and other aspects of their life because although they aren't suicidal, they still have given up and do not want to live anymore.
What does it feel like to be in the middle of a Major Depressive Episode? An article I read on goodtherapy.org gave a great, and in my experience, active account for what it is like physically and mentally during a depressive episode. They describe it as this:
"Suddenly, no one seems loving or lovable. Everything is irritating. Work is boring and unbearable. Any activity takes many times more effort, as if every movement requires displacing quicksand to make it. What was challenging feels overwhelming; what was sad feels unbearable; what felt joyful feels pleasure-less—or, at best, a fleeting drop of pleasure in an ocean of pain."
Not to forget the incredible shame and hatred towards oneself knowing that things could be much worse, knowing that others do have it much worse, knowing that it is affecting them, their job performance and their social relationships, yet not being able to control it.
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I personally feel this played a huge role in losing my job. I'm not sure if the stress of a new job rolled me into a Major Depressive Episode or if it started a little bit before, but I know I was/am in one. Everyday I was praying to make it through the day because getting out of bed, felt like clawing my way out of a 6 foot grave. Every activity, I felt just how the article described...like I had to displace quicksand before I was able to do it yet the quicksand continued to bury me at the same time. Not having health insurance yet. and it taking at least two weeks to know if it is a depressive episode, I put off going to the doctor to change my anti depressant. I had been on the same one for a good 10 years so I thought maybe I had a tolerance to it, that it was time for a change. When I couldn't take it anymore, I finally made it into the doctor.
He changed my prescription, however it takes at least 3 weeks for them to kick in and 1 week into it, I was let go from my job because my performance wasn't meeting standard needs. It wasn't, I know this, but I also know I was giving all I could give but because I was in the middle of a depressive episode, I could give what felt like 200% but it still wouldn't be good enough. I felt like I was drowning, every single day.
Because of the mental illness stigma, I couldn't be upfront about what I was going through. I couldn't explain why my performance was so low even though I was giving it every thing I had. Honestly I didn't even know my performance was so low, nor did I see me getting fired as an option. I hadn't been written up, I had been talked to about doing more filing but that had been it. I didn't know the situation was so dyer. I knew I was giving it my all and that that definition is completely different when I'm not in a depressive episode, however, I didn't know I was in danger of getting fired.
This makes me angry at the lack of support our country gives on mental health issues. It upsets me knowing that given our monopolized society, even if companies were more educated or there were more laws protecting someone going through a depressive episode, they still wouldn't want to hire us because we are at higher risk to have periods we aren't performing to our greatest capability while going through those episodes. It's almost discriminatory, isn't it? I understand it coming from a business point, but at the same time...I am now into my 3rd week taking my new anti depressant and I am starting to feel a little more like myself again. Had they given me a few more weeks I could have shown a complete 180 degree turn around, but they wanted to get rid of me before my 60 day probation period because lets face it, it's a lot harder to fire someone once they've passed the probation period.
It was a great company and I thoroughly enjoyed the work and especially the people I worked with (as much as I could in the middle of an episode). Yes, it took me longer to pick up on things than usual because of the Major Depressive fog I was in, and in hindsight I almost wish I had shared that, but like I said, I had no idea my job was in jeopardy. Then again, given some knowledge I was informed of shortly before I was fired, I have a feeling had they known I struggled with depression and major depressive episodes, it would've only made them more confident of their decision to let me go.
I am excited for future opportunities and hopeful this new anti depressant will work out, which will hopefully result in less frequent struggles. I haven't gone through a struggle like I had been in the past two months in a very, very long time. Unfortunately it cost me a job at a really great company. God has His plan for me though, and apparently it wasn't for me to be at that company. I have been wanting to get back into the mental health/social work career path again. A career in helping others is another great way to cope for those that struggle with depression, but I also really loved Human Resources and maybe this opportunity was to remind me of that again, but it just wasn't the right company.
Well, time to get into some Christmas planning and hopefully help put the tree up today now that Thanksgiving is over. Time to kick it into high gear! Another blessing in disguise, getting to fully soak in everything Christmas this year because I won't be too overwhelmed, busy and hopefully my Depressive episode is coming to a close so I can really put everything into my favorite holiday. I wanted to ask for prayers that this new medication will work out correctly, as well as guidance in my career (I'm really seeking a career, not just a job) searching process.
Also, please pray for a good childhood friend of mine, Pam, as she is currently battling very painful cancer at 29 years old and has two young beautiful children. To find more information she has a page here: Prayers For Pamela Facebook Page and also because she has been told by her doctor she can no longer work, that her body needs to rest, along with the dreadful hospital bills, if you can afford to donate anything...anything at all please visit here Donations.
Thank you, I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
