I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday. I definitely did and I have God to thank and of course my amazing support system. The days coming up to the holiday I have to say not only was I really depressed (because I was dreading the Christmas season ending) but I also had a pinched nerve at the base of my skull which made things incredibly painful. I was in a rut, worse than the past month, and incredibly low state of mind. I barely made it to church but I forced myself to go, and thank God I did. Saturday night's church service was exactly what I needed to snap out of my rut. I was so moved by it, I literally started balling in church. It was so incredibly embarrassing but I couldn't control it. I did it as quietly as possible and am so glad I had Russ there to support me, though I imagine he was a bit embarrassed too. It was ugly crying, not just a few tears. Luckily we were in the very last row in the corner so I hope I didn't disturb anyone.
The service touched on hardships and what really got me was when our pastor talked about meeting someone and when you get to know them deeper, how they're not as great and sin ridden and more and I just cried because I worry that's how Russ feels. Then the more he talked about God & Jesus' unconditional love despite our sins, despite how unlovable we may feel, the crying just continued. I needed it. God moved me and it was perfect timing.
This holiday was extremely eye opening in a very positive way. I know I have support, but knowing it and feeling it are two different things. I truly felt it this Christmas. I felt it from God, from my second family and from my family. I got to spend time getting to know the newest member in my second family, Bonnie, and we had a wonderful heartfelt chat. She's such an incredible person. Luke really picked a winner. I got to spend time with those I don't get to see often. Dan and Danielle were able to make it up this year as well and it was so wonderful to see them. Dan, Bonnie, Luke & I played Risk, and no one seemed to treat me differently because of my job loss (like I irrationally feared). Everyone was just as loving as ever and I feel truly grateful to have them in my life. I was spoiled with love, support and understanding. The 1st Christmas party was Sunday afternoon, then Monday was a low key day and Tuesday we went downtown to see all the Christmas lights and displays and then Wednesday we had our intimate second family Christmas Eve celebration. Fantastic food, and a fantastic family. I was so incredibly spoiled with support and gifts. I can't even express how grateful I am. Russ has also been off the last week and a half. One thing I do regret is my pinched nerve got in the way of us spending as much quality time as I would have liked, however we still were able to do things together that we wouldn't have, had I had a job. It was nice to have him home with me, and a lot less lonely.
Today, Thursday, we went over for brunch to my parents' house. I got to see my sister in law and brother whom I don't get to see too often, and meet their new pup Ethel who is adorable. It was incredibly enjoyable and I didn't feel like I was treated any differently for not having a job. Everything I feared...God took away. I was again, spoiled with love, support and gifts. While my mom and I have our differences, I didn't feel any kind of belittling. In fact when I hugged her goodbye, she wouldn't let go, she kept hugging and wished me a wonderful 2015 which meant the world. We both agreed 2014 was a roller coaster of a year for me and I told her how much I loved her and we agreed we both hope 2015 will be better. When she wouldn't let go of me, it meant a lot.
Among the gifts I got, I got a few books on how to help me use my HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) traits for the better and how to deal with the difficulties that come with it, which I am really looking forward to reading. I am always seeking to better myself. I got a daily workbook, how to deal with relationships as an HSP and one that will be incredibly beneficial: How to make work work, as an HSP. Tips on how to deal with coworkers, stress, issues that would bother me but not others and how to cope. I believe it will be incredibly beneficial.
I also got to see my childhood friend Pam a few days ago whom I mentioned a few blogs back that is battling cancer. I ran into her at Walgreens and it was so incredibly good to see her. She looked amazing. I pray for her all the time. If you go back some blogs there are some links to help support her battle through this awful cancer. On top of that, I received a card from someone from my past that literally brought me to tears. I was so moved by the support and thoughtfulness. I got a lot more Christmas cards than I anticipated this year, especially given that I didn't send any out. I am so thankful for all of you that support me through such difficult times. You really see who your true friends and family are and I am amazed at what this holiday brought out.
I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I am afraid of the holiday season ending. Everyone going back to work, going back to their normal schedule. I'm afraid of the loneliness, and having to think about the rejection of losing my job again. If I could hit a pause button, I'd be more than happy to, but unfortunately that isn't possible. Tomorrow Russ goes back to work, and the rest of the family is up north. I am certainly exhausted from all the people and festivities but was starting to get used to having a lot of people around. I worry about feeling lonely, however the introversion part of me is looking forward to having a day to myself. I of course have my dogs to keep me company. I just really pray I don't wake up with a headache considering the past 2 days I have. Speaking of being exhausted, I think it's time to turn to bed.
If anyone reads this, especially my loved ones, I want to thank you so much for all your love, support and everything you do for me. It means more to me than I could ever express in words. I am an incredibly lucky woman.
