A year later, I decide to look up a blog I tried to start last year and give it another shot. Hopefully a more successful one.
I really wanted to share this article on HSPs. "Highly Sensitive People". It's something I've come to realize in the past year that inhabits my personality. Now, there is no doubt a stigma around those of us that basically sense everything on a more extreme level being perceived as weak. However, this article takes a completely different approach. This article believes us to have evolved, that HSPs are actually the future of humanity. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it because I am struggling to love my HSP self as it is (we aren't the easiest). And itall seems to be more of an inconvenience/annoyance than it is to be an asset, however I did appreciate this article's perspective:
Sensory Processing Sensitivity
I generally find myself not being able to "let things go" all too common. It seems to cause a lot of unnecessary complications in my life when it comes to the people I love. I don't attribute all of those problems to having the HSP trait, however, a lot of it comes from my low-self esteem in general. I have a hard time picturing anyone being able to love me for me. I feel once people get to know me, I essentially lose them. I'm a really open person and the more I think of it, the more I think I lay it all out on the table in the beginning so I can see who is going to stay and who is going to run before I get emotionally invested in them as a friend. I don't do it consciously, but I am aware I over share, and I constantly ruminate on what I should say, shouldn't say, if said something I shouldn't...etc. It makes any kind of social situation incredibly stressful and sometimes just plain awkward. However, the one thing this week that I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about, I'm coping with quite well.
I lost my job last week, not the new job I had gotten last year. I left that job due to severe bullying from the office manager, and coworkers. I had some depression issues and not only was it spoken about behind my back ( i tried to stay open and honest and it was used against me) but the manager would tell confidential things to the employees, it was a little office, and she even proudly admits she's a bully. I needed the job, knew her reputation already, was already afraid of her (should have trusted my instincts), I hoped too much it would work out. So I sought out a new job. I had to leave...I was being bullied to leave. It was discriminatory and I had doctor notes, etc. No HR department, I had no choice but to leave. I took the first job that was offered to me.
Then... 2 months in...No warning, it just wasn't working out. My physical chronic pain and depression was just too extreme and I couldn't perform up to the task they wanted. I had inherited a mess that they couldn't keep people in this position for.
Of course I feel like a failure, and a moron I didn't see it coming. I may not have slept the first two nights because I was just thinking about everything, but I put it to God. I asked God to take it away from me, allow me to use this to learn from it and use the time I have to better myself. See, since I got the job, I had been in a Major Depressive Episode. I could barely get out of bed, my headaches were out of control and I had to pray every single day almost every hour, just to get through it. I wasn't happy. It's not that I didn't like the work or the people, I did...I was just in the middle of an episode and well, it's like living in a fog where nothing is enjoyable, in fact everything is seemingly miserable. The first two days were hard. I was so afraid to tell my parents, to tell anyone. I was mortified.I felt like such a failure, disappointment and burden. Luckily Russ and his mom really helped me put it into perspective and to use this as an opportunity to explore new things, especially myself. To my amazement, it has only been a week and I feel okay. I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. I'm getting dressed and out of bed everyday. I'm sleeping at night, and I'm listening to my gut. I've been wanting to get back into social work for a while and maybe this is my kick to? Who knows. All I know is that thanks to the lovely people in my life and God, this past week (when I'd expect it to be the worst), I've continued to truck along.
I guess this year, that's what I am thankful for. I am thankful God has helped take that pain, helplessness and embarrassment and is holding onto it for me so I can try to pursue other avenues of my life. I am so thankful to have people around me who understand me, even more than I quite understand myself. That understand even though I have failed, it doesn't make me a failure. I am still young and have a lot of learning to do.
I was dreading Thanksgiving and the holidays, having to answer embarrassing questions like, "How's the new job?" or "What happened?" but I'm not dreading it anymore. I almost feel like for the first time ever I am giving myself permission to just be me, be okay in my own skin, Again, this could be fleeting--because again, this is not something I ever allow myself to do, or even know HOW to do....--but I really hope it's not.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hopefully I'll update again before next year.
