Grieving Alone

The entire family are grieving without me. They've excluded me from everything but the funeral. They don't check in on me. They’re wrangling around each other for support… they have each other to share memories, stories… and I feel so left out and abandoned. So shut out. Punishment for coming out about my brother’s abuse, a few years back...no doubt...as that's when invitation to things from extended family and Christmas cards stopped coming. It’s not okay. I’ve done nothing to these people. I have over and over gone back expecting some change. They always treated me pretty terribly but never cut me off or acted rudely to my face until I came out about my one brother's abuse. Then I was cut off. I heard this is what families do...but I had no idea my family was capable of this amount of hate. I never in a million years thought this is how my dad's death would go.

My mom didn’t even come see me. She dropped off a card & left. My first birthday without my dad... She said it was because she was sick, but I had told her just the week before when seeing my niece and nephew that were sick.... if we were outside at a distance... it is fine if I’m masked for a little bit. Her not seeing me wasn't about protecting me because she never wears a mask or has made any effort to protect me before. She just used it as an excuse because she didn’t want to see me.

No matter how much I've grown (even though I have always been lovable and deserving of support and inclusion this entire time), no matter how far I've come, people just showed me sheer disgust towards me at my dad's funeral. If it wasn't flat out ignoring me, it was sheer disgust that was oozing off of them. These people think I can't tell how much they hate me, or know what they say about me. Even with the disgust oozing off of them... I smiled and told them how grateful I was they came which became awkward for so many because ...they didn't come for me, not even a little bit. 

This feels nothing short of awful. All I've done is expect them to accept me for the way I am, to love and to include me. They and many others, have shown me that I am asking too much in this.

I struggle to get through the days. I feel completely alone in my grief. My dogs are the only two souls I know don't love me out of obligation. They love me so fiercely but they won't be around forever, no one will be...but them it's inevitably sooner. Russ is wonderful, but when you can't support yourself and have been rejected to the extent I have, it can cause "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria" which is basically taking rejection a lot harder than others...rejection breaks our soul. It feels like my chest is being ripped open. It's hard to explain. But.. it doesn't matter how reassuring Russ is, it's really hard not to wonder if he's only with me because I literally have no where else to go. Section 8 housing takes years, not having kids I'm lower priority (rightfully so). Most of these areas are surrounded by industrial pollution that will make my illnesses worse and even if I had rent for free, I still could not afford to support myself on what I get monthly. This puts a lot of pressure on a relationship. A lot. It is terrifying not to know who would catch me if I fall. When I fall.

I was finally getting a hold of my PTSD...and this trauma has set me back. At least it feels like it. Because they've learned the reason some have PTSD and some don't from certain things is because it's not necessarily the traumatic event...it's the lack of support after that causes PTSD. Part of me thinks this is what my family wants. They want me to be the unstable insecure person they can continue making look bad. 

But I'm working through it, with a really great therapist, and it's hard, it's exhausting, and it takes a lot of courage to do this kind of work. For a long time I did it for my family, I hoped I'd learn what was so wrong with me, they hated me so much and change it.I have been working on myself since I could.drive to Borders at 16. The self help section is where I lived, my entire life though, no matter the amount of progress I made, it was never enough. But seeing the growth I'm capable of ...has motivated me to finally and fully do this work for me. One of the biggest breakthroughs, is I actually love myself. With that, though...it's become a lot easier to spot those who don't love me or treat me right, because I now understand I'm worthy of respect and love.

To give credit where credit is due, one person checks on me regularly and never stopped once the "pandemic ended" 😑🙄.  I cherish her so much! 💞 Sadly she knows they're the only one because it brings tears of gratitude to my eyes.... and I can't hide that on Facetime, which puts a lot of pressure on her, it puts pressure on anyone, I'm sure. I can't help it though...when I see anyone giving someone support I burst into tears. Especially on TV. The most simple acts of support, not even crying scenes, and I bust into tears. How fucking beautiful, I think...and my heart literally cries out for it.

How sad it is. How sad I am, some would think in more ways than one..I think it's perfectly okay to reach out, to be vulnerable and honest, because I never in my wildest dreams expected that this is how it'd go when my dad died...ever.