Difficult Birthday

I'm beginning to feel like I have a really good reason to feel so alone in this world...and not just because of my family.

Negative is something I've been called since I began opening up about depression, PTSD, and chronic illness. I believed for a long time I was to blame, thanks to toxic positivity, people saying I assume the worst, that I think the whole world is out to get me, that I'm just too negative... and the revelation that has come to me, is...that I'm actually the exact opposite. If I thought the entire world was against me, I'd never had had the courage to reach out in the first place.  I think the world is out to love (the majority), and then I weigh my expectations with worst case scenarios (hoping for the best, prepare for the worst) and even then...many times people have gone below my worst case expectations. When you expect bigger things...and get so much less than your worst expectation...that fall, is a lot longer and harder than the fall from short or no expectations. Am I going to stop having arguably high expectations because people are failing them? Absolutely not.  

What are these expectations that are so incredibly high no one in this family or town seems to be able to meet...at least in regards to me?

First of all, when I began reaching out for support back when I was suicidal ...I expected at least one person would reach out.. Most times I was completely ignored and much lower than I ever expected was mockery, accusations of it being my fault, insults and more. People reported me to Facebook, instead of reaching out. I understand not having the emotional capacity to hear someone, especially if suicide is a triggering topic, but then find someone who can, boost the post's visibility...don't ignore them leaving them feeling lonelier.

When I reached out multiple times to those in this area and asked if there was anyone that would come hang out, play cards, watch a TV show, swim (before the pandemic & during, outside at a distance), I expected one or two that consistently "supported" me on social media to message me and offer maybe once a month. For years no one responded, during the pandemic, some did reach out and did say they'd plan something safe when it's nice outside, but it's now been how much during the years of the pandemic?

My dad's funeral, I asked people from this town plainly if they could please be there to support me, and I got about 12 care reacts, such kind words of support. I still, kept my expectations small and expected one or two of those, to show up at his funeral. I didn't expect none of these people to show.

This birthday... I knew was going to be a tough one (and I was right this was the loneliest birthday I've had in a truly long time.) I made a post specifically asking people to help me celebrate (like I did in 2018 the first birthday I wasn't suicidal in 20 years & was still struggling severely as I hadn't been approved for disability yet), I knew this birthday...I needed to be reminded I'm not as alone as I feel, because while I am not suicidal, thoughts of wanting to no longer do this anymore, be in this world, battle this physical and intense emotional pain...are creeping up and those are the beginning of suicidal thoughts.

This is what loneliness does to a person. This is what isolation does. It makes us feel like no one would notice if we died, and if the point of life is connection and relationships and I've massively been deprived of that, despite no lack of trying...which really does a number on a person. So many people were quick to note how harmful isolation is that when they had to isolate for a few weeks (when the entire world joined in..so not exactly social exclusion), yet no one can imagine what 7 solid years of this kind of deep social isolation and exclusion can do to a person. I expected maybe one person to reach out, maybe offer to stop by and say a quick "hello". I expected one or two people to gift me something off my wish list, at least a supplement I needed, as my birthday wish lists are often necessities or things most just buy when they need them.  I expected my mom...to come see me.

My mom didn’t even come see me. She dropped off a card & left. My first birthday without my dad and my mom couldn’t even see me. She said it was because she was sick, I told her just that last week seeing my niece and nephew that were sick that if it were outside at a distance it is fine if I’m masked, even if someone is sick.This wasn't about protecting me because she never wears a mask when she's inside with me! Yet she can't be outside with me? She doesn't ever protect my health any other time. She just used it as an excuse because she didn’t want to see me.

She and the rest of the family are grieving without me. They have each other to share memories, stories…they’re wrangling around each other for support… and I feel so left out and abandoned. So shut out. Punishment for coming out about my brother’s abuse. It’s not okay. I’ve done I thing to these people but ask them to accept me for the way I am, and to love & include me. They and many others, have shown me that I am asking too much in this.

I was spoiled by gifts by those who couldn't be with me... but not by company..Everyone is so convinced the pandemic is over, no one is trying very hard to make any concessions anymore. I expected I wouldn't have to plan my own virtual "party" because I have zero bandwidth, with everything I've been going through...but why? Everyone has their own things to worry about. Why would I expect them to prioritize me? I relayed to loved ones that I was feeling so isolated and that my birthday feels like any other day, that this is the first birthday I haven't looked forward to in a while. I needed people, I needed to be celebrated, I needed more than anything to know that others have my back after these last few months. That I don't have to put effort in to be celebrated (even though I still did, I spent hours crafting the blog post asking).

There is only so much rejection you can experience and never forget.

My dad's funeral, this birthday...has only made me feel I'm just as alone I feel. I honestly feel like my biggest fears have been confirmed.

Even though having to ask for support and company feels like obligated support (which can feel just as lonely)... I had hoped that with spending time with me, people would see why I'm worth loving and supporting. This isn't out of ego, this is about the fact that I know people need support systems to thrive, for anyone...but even more so when people are suicidal, in trauma recovery, disabled, isolated and autistic. It hurts my heart every time a doctor or someone tells me how crucial support systems are for the things I deal with.

I hate that I’m stuck still processing how 95% of my family could walk right past me in the family condolence line at my own father’s funeral. I’m not just grieving him but I’m grieving an entire family. Those who did acknowledge me, didn't know who I was, 3% of the family that did acknowledge me, did so to force an anti masked hug on me... then got upset when I advocated for my health and asked to keep a little bit of a distance, then I apologized and explained I still want to talk, and was snubbed, even though they were actively risking my life and disrespecting my boundaries, I was the bad one. 

 

It was explained to me wonderfully to me by my therapist. It's like in those shows/movies where vampires have their "humanity switch", and when they turn it back on, they have to feel all the horrible things they did the years when their humanity switch was off. Healing is a lot like that. You have to face your less desired traits, you have to recognize where you've gone wrong so you can learn to do better.

My "humanity switch" turned back on in 2017, but it was never fully off. I didn't bully, I didn't provoke, I was overly defensive, and reactive because that's what kept me safe after all the trauma I endured in my life. I've come to have compassion and forgiveness for myself. That person kept me safe multiple times looking back, emotionally and physically but I recognized they no longer were. I also began to have it pointed out to me that those who often accused me of being defensive were doing so to avoid their own accountability. Some were right, others were not. 

 

I wasn't cruel and it was still hard "waking up" to the things I needed to work on and fix in myself. I came to understand I was also surrounding myself with people who always responded in the same and inconsiderate ways. People knew it was so easy to get a reaction out of me, people knew they could say whatever they wanted and it wouldn't matter because my reaction would take all the attention off what it is that they said.

 

The massive amount of pain and hate they must be carrying around to so that to someone...but knowing it says more about them... it doesn’t make it any easier to have to bare. I can only imagine how hard it is to turn that humanity switch back on, when being overtly cruel, neglectful, abusive...and more, I honestly hope my mom never wakes up to that...I've just hoped over and over she'd just start treating me like family, that she actually liked and loved me, that she wanted me around...because I don't want her to feel the pain of all the pain she's caused, but then the rational part of me knows that she won't accept me and won't until she faces her own demons and at this point, but I can't be the brunt of her or anyone else's lack of humanity anymore...simply because my healing and humanity is triggering them.

 

"You wanna know why strangers support you more than people you know? Because people you know, have a tough time accepting the fact that you came from the same place, while they're still in the same place."

 

The truth is, most of these people haven't interacted with me in almost a decade, they only know what they've heard, or have been upset at me for telling them they hurt me which kicked off an argument where they no doubt said things to illicit a reaction to make me look "crazy" so they no longer needed to be accountable and could convince themselves they did nothing wrong and I am the problem. It can be hard to grasp, it was for me...but apologizing doesn't mean you did it on purpose, it's acknowledging the person is hurt and your relationship with is more important than proving you're someone who would or could never do or say anything hurtful.

 

When people are receptive to pain they may have caused others, talk it out...people tend to have a better understanding of each other... which leads to less misunderstandings and less bumpy relationships. That's all my motives have ever been..trying to create connections instead of sweep things under the rug to constantly trip over.., because hurt doesn't just stop if you can stop thinking about it, or addressing it. Trust me, I've tried...for a lot of things. It just gets trapped. It festers. It grows while you grow more distant from those you love out of protection of your heart. If I ever confront anyone on something that was said or done that's hurt me, it's because a) I trust they're going to be receptive & b)I'm trying to conserve our friendship/relationship. I'm not trying to create drama (because believe it or not, I do have a lot more important things in my life I need to worry about than having to prove and defend my thoughts and feelings), seeking attention or assuming the worst. I'm trying to salvage whatever it is we have, whether it be an acquaintanceship, coworkership, friendship or a family relationship..any relationship.

I don't know why people are so intolerant, inaccepting of me...Maybe it's because most of my traits are considered unacceptable in society..

"It's so fucked up that a lot of what's considered socially inadequate traits are neurodivergent traits. Too straight forward? Rude. Too passionate? Dramatic. Too hyper? Childish. Too talkative? Annoying. Don't look in the eyes? Rude AF. None of these are harmful, get over yourselves". - @ADHDelaide 

Maybe it's the old "no one else is helping out because they assume someone else is doing so" syndrome. This one is hard for me, because people have heard me reach out and let people know that no one has come forward. This is all hard for Russ, too. We both need a support system in this area. Caretakers need a support system, too. The only supportive people we have are all very far away. It's been that way for about 5 years now. 5 years I've been reaching out about this isolation, about holidays being so lonely, when we had been used to being surrounded by so many people our entire lives at holidays. In general he's used to having a lot of family around all the time and in a short period most of them moved out of state. One person does not a support system make. The dogs, it kills me that I won't be able to handle being alive when they go. They are the only souls in this world I don't wonder if their love is out of obligation.

I am finally beginning to love myself and in that, I become not just hurt at the lack of support, but surprised. I used to think I didn't deserve it. I used to think "Well, I don't blame them"...and I was wrong. I did deserve it then, just as I do now. I am so incredibly proud of who I am, and how far I've come and without a therapist that understood me, without a big support system.. I'm finally not bogged down by productivity equaling worth…that damn capitalistic guilt (play on catholic guilt). I’m getting I'm tapping into my inner child and experiencing that kind of euphoria again, I have a passion and spirit in me that is one to be reckoned with. I have deep love, that when I love, I love fully and deeply even in the face of constant pain and rejection.