CW: physical abuse, emotional abuse
Edited: (the app I was using was confusing with cuts and pasted & that’s why some things were completely out of place and repeated. Apologizes for the mess that was (and probably still is) this blog post.
I know I haven’t written much. I don’t want to flood social media with this as things are stressful enough. No one needs more negativity but I need an outlet and I’m sick of holding in the truth at the expense of myself. Unfortunately complex ptsd doesn’t stop during a Pandemic. Pain doesn’t stop, being autistic doesn’t stop. My brain still processes things the same as it did before and is still highly sensitive, my triggers are still there and I am angry at myself for it affecting me during a damn pandemic.
But.. this is my place, my outlet, my life, my story. During a Pandemic everyone is losing patience and unfortunately as people lose patience it is beginning to be more obvious in the way they interact with me and I’m learning how people truly feel about me and it kind of sucks and triggered a lot of things. When I’m misunderstood it brings me back to the center of spending most of my life being misunderstood and gaslit to cover up being abused.
When I reached out and opened up about my abuse, no one took me seriously maybe even mocked me, (who wants to feel that guilt of turning away the abused and embracing the abuser?) I get it. I don’t hold this against anyone, for not understanding it wasn’t just sibling rivalry back when I reached out to them in the 90’s, but I do struggle with them idolizing an abuser and having this I’m false idea of who I am.
He was always able to put on this charming mask. Once in a while he’d show that nice side, always in front of others. I spent a lot of life looking for that person. Some of the biggest abusers are the most charming and people don’t like having images or those they admire shattered.
I’d spend hours standing holding the pop lock in place (q-tips could get into my room)...scared that even if he walked away he would come back. I don’t know how long I waited standing at that door terrified so many times, shaking and if I didn’t make it on time to get the door closed, all I could do was brace for impact. He’s not a small person. I wish I had known how easy it was to change a door knob at the time.
When we were home alone and he was in charge he liked that power. He loved the army, no one wonders why. They assume it’s because he’s this hero, but the army is also a place bullies thrive. But I was so proud of him, though...I wrote to him all the time, sent him care packages ect, still. I thought finally things had changed we were growing up and moving on like everyone says we would but when he came home it didn’t take long before it was business as usual.
I have tried to talk to him about these things so we can move forward..but he’s always able to say such horrible hurtful things “liberal (rword)”, “burden”, “worthless”, “slow”, “stupid”, “idiot” and pretend it never happened and if I speak up about it I get even more verbal abuse...But no one hears about that. How I want to move on and have an actual sibling relationship but in order for that to happen the emotional abuse and verbal abuse needs to stop happening any the I try to talk about it. When I try to talk to him one on one, he tells me I need to be in a mental institution and also calls me a “worthless fucking (rword)”.
When I tried opening up to my cousin about it all... he told me he had to hear both sides first. My brother went out drinking with all of them the next weekend, I didn’t hear from that cousin again. I haven’t heard from anyone on that side since. One side of the family all are very obvious in how much they don’t like me. The other side just kinda act like I don’t exist or pretend they care and send a text every few years (and we live in the same town). One thing is the same: both sides put him on a pedastol while looking down on me.
I’d like to think he’s changed but these things (and not letting me see his kids—for a year) show me he hasn’t. Him not changing makes it harder for me to move on. I shouldn’t want a relationship with him. As long as he sees me as worthless. But I want a relationship with my niece and nephew so badly. I want to see every moment of them grow. I love them so much but I can’t keep playing these games that as long as I keep quite about the trauma I endured (because my family cares more about reputation than fixing things between us) I can see them. As long as I don’t challenge anyone or set a boundary or defend myself when someone says something rude or down right abusive to me...I can see my niece & nephew. I can only hope when they grow older they’ll want to visit their aunt and get to know ME, not what everyone says about me.
I worry they’re going to grow up hearing one sided exaggerations and lies and will not only dislike but look down on me the way their father and mother do. If they don’t hate me, I have no clue, they’ve never told me anything except why they don’t like me. We forget when we don’t tell people the positive things we feel about them...how are they supposed to know? We all need to be better at telling people they matter and how much they mean to us; me, included.
______________________________________________________
Many think I speak in a snotty or rude tone (and if they read any of my articles on being autistic they’d also know autistic tone is something neurotypical commonly misunderstand). We are blamed when we misunderstand and we are blamed when others make assumptions and misunderstand. We are never worthy of an apology, always the ones wrong.
I’m sorry I can’t turn off the “me” people can’t stand and/(or refuse to try to understand), during a pandemic and I’m especially sorry that many that claim to have cared about me clearly haven’t read even one of the dozens and dozens of articles explaining these things over the last few years..(only to be defensively attacked or completely ignored).
I know people what people think but—-I do understand that no one can see everything I post. I understand most people have lives outside of social media and the algorithms, some may not see any of what I post, ever. I am specifically talking about the few I am recently coming to find (that claimed to care about me, interacted with my other posts) either none of these articles have been seen throughout out all these years, or they haven’t been taken seriously or just scrolled by with an eye roll. I’m thinking it’s a combination of the last two. I know some article had to come across their timeline at some point in these years.
I post a lot on being autistic and before that on my illnesses and being highly sensitive and I find it hard to believe those that claimed to be my friends and family, that claim to care about me, haven’t seen them. I also notice most these posts aren’t acknowledged at all by these individuals either, especially the ones on being autistic. They don’t want to accept it... they’d rather accept the picture they have in their head, and “faking” being autistic for attention...fits their narrative better than their entire belief system of me or my family come crashing down and having to feel guilty for what they’ve said behind my back and to my face. It’s much easier for people to just continue believing what they have especially when the alternative is that they were the ones that were manipulated.
I struggle with those who pretended to be my friend just so their husband can see Russ. (Russ sees who he wants.) They tell themselves I keep him from them...because it’s easier than realizing by hurting me, it hurt him, too. That’s on them, not on me, but it’s easier to blame me.
When I share how I am doing.. if it seems worse than what they’re going through, it isn’t a passive aggressive way to say “be grateful that’s all you have to worry about” (apparently that’s how neurotypicals interpret it which makes more sense as to why so many think I’m a self involved monster) but that’s not how autistics work. If I share a story or share I am struggling too it’s not to take over the conversation or shift it onto me. I’m trying to show you, you’re not alone. To make it more personable than a few “I’m so sorry that’s got to be hard” (which is a great reply but I was always trying to connect deeper than that). It isn’t to make you feel like your feelings aren’t valid. They are. I don’t believe in “the who has it worse” games because I know we feel what we feel. Something may seem trivial to one person and feel like the world is crashing down to another. I understand that. Those who know me, know this.
Just because I am open about what I have been through doesn’t mean I don’t know people have gone through and are going through worse or feeling just as distressed over things that may not be “worse”. It doesn’t mean I think I’m the only one struggling, I am expressing myself, processing this. Just because I am open, when someone asks me how I am doing... doesn’t mean I don’t know everyone has their battles. Another hurtful assumption made by someone I thought knew me and was a dear friend ...for 19 years and she made it clear it this week it was only out of human obligation.
Many only seem to “check up” on me when they’re struggling and need to talk (Which is fine! People need to reach out to those they know won’t judge them or throw superficial toxic positivity in their face)...but if you’re someone that does this, don’t act like listening to me is a) one sided b) something above and beyond what friends do.
Hard times show how people really feel about you and being misunderstood a lot, makes this especially hard. Very few do more than tolerate me: very few truly enjoy me and know me and love me. When asked how I was doing I shared how Russ is having some health issues that needed to be taken care of and monitored and could be “not good” (as Trump would say) if unchecked... (should have been taken care of months ago) and I got a dismissive “he’ll be fine they’ll get it checked soon” when we don’t know that. They’re struggling to control it. Normal things can’t be checked out any time soon. All of this takes a backseat (understandably) but this is why there are going to be then more deaths on top of COVID19. We do not know how long this will be, we do not know he will be okay and I can’t have friendships so delicate that I can’t even express when something feels dismissive without it being thrown in my face they’ve listened to me enough these years. That’s the type of shit I deal with in my family. I can’t ever express if something made me feel negatively...or I am snapped at or put down in some capacity.
When you already have a small support system and more people continue to show they’re true side and you realize you have an even smaller one than you thought, during a pandemic... it’s terrifying. The good friend I have is at great risk right now and my love, is also having issues and at risk (as well as also being at risk) and yes many are in worse situations... but I’m still terrified.
Many have observed I have “changed”, made a lot of progress. Progress yes, change, not really. I’m becoming more of myself. Surrounding myself with people that have seen me as I am and have allowed me to be, and have loved me as. Giving me safe space to find love I needed for myself. That’ve loved me even when they didn’t understand, even when I was at my bottom. They didn’t shame me for being there, they simply let me know they were there to help me up.
I am so thankful for those few, those who’ve truly loved and accepted me. Not the ones pretending to support while praying/hoping I become someone I am not. The ones that accept me as is, are few and far between and priceless. The ones that only want me to improve for my happiness, not for theirs and who they want me to be.
As these superficial friendships and relationships fall off, I start to gain more meaningful relationships with others. I’m starting to find more of those that accept me for me and truly see me. I need to stop looking at these as rejections and start seeing them as relationships I’ve outgrown.
Russ is the love is my life, best friend... I don’t know how I’d ever deal with losing him. The only person that sees me, all of me and loves what he sees.
My dogs are 9.5 and Luci, she’s already highly surpassed her life outcome after her injury which I am so grateful for...these 5 extra years we have had with her have been amazing. These two are natural emotional support animals. They were made for Russ and I. But losing them is inevitable and it’ll be sooner than later. Life keeps going by faster and faster. If I lose Russ, too. These 3 souls, that mean the world to me in such a close period of time... I fear I’d never recover.
This is something I feared and thought about everyday before there was even a pandemic going on. Extremely stressful situations bring cptsd and all that trauma to the surface. I’m battling with flashbacks, nightmares again. I hope the few that read this are doing well and holding on...problems don’t go away during a pandemic. We’re all hanging on by a thread and I am sending you love.
I’m struggling.
I’m safe. But I’m truly truly struggling right now.
Edited: (the app I was using was confusing with cuts and pasted & that’s why some things were completely out of place and repeated. Apologizes for the mess that was (and probably still is) this blog post.
I know I haven’t written much. I don’t want to flood social media with this as things are stressful enough. No one needs more negativity but I need an outlet and I’m sick of holding in the truth at the expense of myself. Unfortunately complex ptsd doesn’t stop during a Pandemic. Pain doesn’t stop, being autistic doesn’t stop. My brain still processes things the same as it did before and is still highly sensitive, my triggers are still there and I am angry at myself for it affecting me during a damn pandemic.
But.. this is my place, my outlet, my life, my story. During a Pandemic everyone is losing patience and unfortunately as people lose patience it is beginning to be more obvious in the way they interact with me and I’m learning how people truly feel about me and it kind of sucks and triggered a lot of things. When I’m misunderstood it brings me back to the center of spending most of my life being misunderstood and gaslit to cover up being abused.
When I reached out and opened up about my abuse, no one took me seriously maybe even mocked me, (who wants to feel that guilt of turning away the abused and embracing the abuser?) I get it. I don’t hold this against anyone, for not understanding it wasn’t just sibling rivalry back when I reached out to them in the 90’s, but I do struggle with them idolizing an abuser and having this I’m false idea of who I am.
He was always able to put on this charming mask. Once in a while he’d show that nice side, always in front of others. I spent a lot of life looking for that person. Some of the biggest abusers are the most charming and people don’t like having images or those they admire shattered.
I’d spend hours standing holding the pop lock in place (q-tips could get into my room)...scared that even if he walked away he would come back. I don’t know how long I waited standing at that door terrified so many times, shaking and if I didn’t make it on time to get the door closed, all I could do was brace for impact. He’s not a small person. I wish I had known how easy it was to change a door knob at the time.
When we were home alone and he was in charge he liked that power. He loved the army, no one wonders why. They assume it’s because he’s this hero, but the army is also a place bullies thrive. But I was so proud of him, though...I wrote to him all the time, sent him care packages ect, still. I thought finally things had changed we were growing up and moving on like everyone says we would but when he came home it didn’t take long before it was business as usual.
I have tried to talk to him about these things so we can move forward..but he’s always able to say such horrible hurtful things “liberal (rword)”, “burden”, “worthless”, “slow”, “stupid”, “idiot” and pretend it never happened and if I speak up about it I get even more verbal abuse...But no one hears about that. How I want to move on and have an actual sibling relationship but in order for that to happen the emotional abuse and verbal abuse needs to stop happening any the I try to talk about it. When I try to talk to him one on one, he tells me I need to be in a mental institution and also calls me a “worthless fucking (rword)”.
When I tried opening up to my cousin about it all... he told me he had to hear both sides first. My brother went out drinking with all of them the next weekend, I didn’t hear from that cousin again. I haven’t heard from anyone on that side since. One side of the family all are very obvious in how much they don’t like me. The other side just kinda act like I don’t exist or pretend they care and send a text every few years (and we live in the same town). One thing is the same: both sides put him on a pedastol while looking down on me.
I’d like to think he’s changed but these things (and not letting me see his kids—for a year) show me he hasn’t. Him not changing makes it harder for me to move on. I shouldn’t want a relationship with him. As long as he sees me as worthless. But I want a relationship with my niece and nephew so badly. I want to see every moment of them grow. I love them so much but I can’t keep playing these games that as long as I keep quite about the trauma I endured (because my family cares more about reputation than fixing things between us) I can see them. As long as I don’t challenge anyone or set a boundary or defend myself when someone says something rude or down right abusive to me...I can see my niece & nephew. I can only hope when they grow older they’ll want to visit their aunt and get to know ME, not what everyone says about me.
I worry they’re going to grow up hearing one sided exaggerations and lies and will not only dislike but look down on me the way their father and mother do. If they don’t hate me, I have no clue, they’ve never told me anything except why they don’t like me. We forget when we don’t tell people the positive things we feel about them...how are they supposed to know? We all need to be better at telling people they matter and how much they mean to us; me, included.
______________________________________________________
Many think I speak in a snotty or rude tone (and if they read any of my articles on being autistic they’d also know autistic tone is something neurotypical commonly misunderstand). We are blamed when we misunderstand and we are blamed when others make assumptions and misunderstand. We are never worthy of an apology, always the ones wrong.
I’m sorry I can’t turn off the “me” people can’t stand and/(or refuse to try to understand), during a pandemic and I’m especially sorry that many that claim to have cared about me clearly haven’t read even one of the dozens and dozens of articles explaining these things over the last few years..(only to be defensively attacked or completely ignored).
I know people what people think but—-I do understand that no one can see everything I post. I understand most people have lives outside of social media and the algorithms, some may not see any of what I post, ever. I am specifically talking about the few I am recently coming to find (that claimed to care about me, interacted with my other posts) either none of these articles have been seen throughout out all these years, or they haven’t been taken seriously or just scrolled by with an eye roll. I’m thinking it’s a combination of the last two. I know some article had to come across their timeline at some point in these years.
I post a lot on being autistic and before that on my illnesses and being highly sensitive and I find it hard to believe those that claimed to be my friends and family, that claim to care about me, haven’t seen them. I also notice most these posts aren’t acknowledged at all by these individuals either, especially the ones on being autistic. They don’t want to accept it... they’d rather accept the picture they have in their head, and “faking” being autistic for attention...fits their narrative better than their entire belief system of me or my family come crashing down and having to feel guilty for what they’ve said behind my back and to my face. It’s much easier for people to just continue believing what they have especially when the alternative is that they were the ones that were manipulated.
I struggle with those who pretended to be my friend just so their husband can see Russ. (Russ sees who he wants.) They tell themselves I keep him from them...because it’s easier than realizing by hurting me, it hurt him, too. That’s on them, not on me, but it’s easier to blame me.
When I share how I am doing.. if it seems worse than what they’re going through, it isn’t a passive aggressive way to say “be grateful that’s all you have to worry about” (apparently that’s how neurotypicals interpret it which makes more sense as to why so many think I’m a self involved monster) but that’s not how autistics work. If I share a story or share I am struggling too it’s not to take over the conversation or shift it onto me. I’m trying to show you, you’re not alone. To make it more personable than a few “I’m so sorry that’s got to be hard” (which is a great reply but I was always trying to connect deeper than that). It isn’t to make you feel like your feelings aren’t valid. They are. I don’t believe in “the who has it worse” games because I know we feel what we feel. Something may seem trivial to one person and feel like the world is crashing down to another. I understand that. Those who know me, know this.
Just because I am open about what I have been through doesn’t mean I don’t know people have gone through and are going through worse or feeling just as distressed over things that may not be “worse”. It doesn’t mean I think I’m the only one struggling, I am expressing myself, processing this. Just because I am open, when someone asks me how I am doing... doesn’t mean I don’t know everyone has their battles. Another hurtful assumption made by someone I thought knew me and was a dear friend ...for 19 years and she made it clear it this week it was only out of human obligation.
Many only seem to “check up” on me when they’re struggling and need to talk (Which is fine! People need to reach out to those they know won’t judge them or throw superficial toxic positivity in their face)...but if you’re someone that does this, don’t act like listening to me is a) one sided b) something above and beyond what friends do.
Hard times show how people really feel about you and being misunderstood a lot, makes this especially hard. Very few do more than tolerate me: very few truly enjoy me and know me and love me. When asked how I was doing I shared how Russ is having some health issues that needed to be taken care of and monitored and could be “not good” (as Trump would say) if unchecked... (should have been taken care of months ago) and I got a dismissive “he’ll be fine they’ll get it checked soon” when we don’t know that. They’re struggling to control it. Normal things can’t be checked out any time soon. All of this takes a backseat (understandably) but this is why there are going to be then more deaths on top of COVID19. We do not know how long this will be, we do not know he will be okay and I can’t have friendships so delicate that I can’t even express when something feels dismissive without it being thrown in my face they’ve listened to me enough these years. That’s the type of shit I deal with in my family. I can’t ever express if something made me feel negatively...or I am snapped at or put down in some capacity.
When you already have a small support system and more people continue to show they’re true side and you realize you have an even smaller one than you thought, during a pandemic... it’s terrifying. The good friend I have is at great risk right now and my love, is also having issues and at risk (as well as also being at risk) and yes many are in worse situations... but I’m still terrified.
Many have observed I have “changed”, made a lot of progress. Progress yes, change, not really. I’m becoming more of myself. Surrounding myself with people that have seen me as I am and have allowed me to be, and have loved me as. Giving me safe space to find love I needed for myself. That’ve loved me even when they didn’t understand, even when I was at my bottom. They didn’t shame me for being there, they simply let me know they were there to help me up.
I am so thankful for those few, those who’ve truly loved and accepted me. Not the ones pretending to support while praying/hoping I become someone I am not. The ones that accept me as is, are few and far between and priceless. The ones that only want me to improve for my happiness, not for theirs and who they want me to be.
As these superficial friendships and relationships fall off, I start to gain more meaningful relationships with others. I’m starting to find more of those that accept me for me and truly see me. I need to stop looking at these as rejections and start seeing them as relationships I’ve outgrown.
Russ is the love is my life, best friend... I don’t know how I’d ever deal with losing him. The only person that sees me, all of me and loves what he sees.
My dogs are 9.5 and Luci, she’s already highly surpassed her life outcome after her injury which I am so grateful for...these 5 extra years we have had with her have been amazing. These two are natural emotional support animals. They were made for Russ and I. But losing them is inevitable and it’ll be sooner than later. Life keeps going by faster and faster. If I lose Russ, too. These 3 souls, that mean the world to me in such a close period of time... I fear I’d never recover.
This is something I feared and thought about everyday before there was even a pandemic going on. Extremely stressful situations bring cptsd and all that trauma to the surface. I’m battling with flashbacks, nightmares again. I hope the few that read this are doing well and holding on...problems don’t go away during a pandemic. We’re all hanging on by a thread and I am sending you love.
I’m struggling.
I’m safe. But I’m truly truly struggling right now.
