As some of you know back around 2009-2015 I struggled with self medicating & addiction due to what I now know was Autistic shutdown from masking my entire life, my health issues & pain were starting to be more serious and I was also being bullied pretty badly by a certain group of people I tried way too hard to fit in with & I could not deal with all of it anymore. I felt like a failure in every single way. Things eventually got a little better over time but the cravings to escape the physical & mental pain through substances was still constantly there.
December 2017 I was at my most suicidal & I was out of options. I called a family friend to come sit with me while Russ was on his way home so I wasn’t alone & didn’t have to worry him on his drive. She came over & I started talking about how difficult holidays were with a family that doesn’t accept me & she told me I didn’t pray for the right things & that I had the devil inside of me. When I mentioned I was suicidal she jumped to call 911. I begged her, I told her these feelings will pass & taking me away from my home & my dogs would only make things worse...I just needed someone to sit with me to prevent ideation turning into action. I didn’t want to be alone.
Mind you, this woman told me to put her at the top of my list if I ever needed someone to talk to. She told me if I didn’t need to go to the hospital I was obviously lying & manipulating her about being suicidal. I tried explaining to her the difference between ideation & having a plan but she wouldn’t listen so I begged her to talk to Russ because maybe she’d believe it coming from him. She then yelled at me for upsetting him on his drive home when my options were that or involuntary lockup at the hospital. He explained to her & she replied "I’m sorry if she does something but I will not be manipulated by her" & left me, alone. But not before telling me she thought I was manipulating Russ & his entire family. This put me in a much worse state than I was in before I had called her. I already was stuck in a cycle of extreme self hatred & feeling like a giant burden on Russ & his family... and her accusing me of purposefully doing it all as some master scheme... I can’t explain to you how horrible it is when you already hate yourself & then find that others think the even worse of you. I was trying to survive. I was struggling, not manipulating. I came very close to taking my life that night. Since I didn’t, I’m sure to this day she still believes she was right. She wasn’t. Leaving a suicidal person & practically daring them to take their life based on assumptions is incredibly irresponsible & destructive.
I am going to come out about something some may already suspect due to how much I post about it. I don’t know why I kept it a secret, afraid of negativity & judgements I guess. Afraid of the stigma attached to what I am about to discuss: Magic mushrooms. No longer am I going to hide this wonderful fungi & how much it’s helped me. People deserve to know about it. December 2017, I tried them for the first time.
I was completely lost & I had been researching the benefits from Psilocybin (magic mushrooms) for a few years. So I finally had the opportunity to try them...
I tried a small trip first- 2.5mg & began microdosing (.25mg 1 day on, 2 days off) a week later. The results? I haven’t had cravings to escape reality since. I also haven’t been persistently suicidal since (some episodes due to high pain levels) however the suicidal "for no reason" feelings have completely disappeared.
Mushrooms are known for healing addiction issues & mental health issues & I myself have zero temptation in the almost 2 years now, since I first tried them. I take clonazepam for my complex ptsd & while it used to tempt me & I struggled to take as directed, I don’t have that issue anymore. I even take less than what is prescribed. It’s an absolute miracle. Here is some more info on how Psilocybin (magic mushrooms) help with addiction:
Radical New Approach for Beating Addiction
It is so amazing but also maddening that this beneficial (and other beneficial) substances are kept from a society that is incredibly ill with addiction & mental health issues. I am seeing more & more cities decriminalize it & I remain very hopeful for a psychedelic renaissance in our near future.
Psilocybin didn’t only help me with my addiction issues & being suicidal (but if it did that’s plenty...right?!), it helped me bust out of negative thought patterns, made me feel this connection to God & the universe, to nature that I have never felt before. I feel closer to my inner child & myself. Psilocybin took me out of that dark & deep depression quicker & more effectively than years of therapy & anti depressants did. I remain so grateful & continue to microdose 2x a year. I haven’t since the beginning of the year & am definitely due to start again. Holidays can be a really tough time of year for those of us with less than supportive families.
A good way I have had this explained to me is, when a computer gets too full, starts freezing & not working properly we reboot it, right? Psilocybin is like a "reboot" for the brain. There have been many studies that have shown magic mushrooms increase connectivity in new neural pathways.
Here is an article on exactly how they change the brain:
Mushrooms Change Brain Connections
This is incredibly healing & amazing stuff & although won’t fix my 30 years of trauma instantly, they definitely help me process traumas & release them. They help change my perspective. Since trying them it’s been so much easier to spot the beauty & wonder in life. This natural & healing fungi shouldn’t be kept from the world. It shouldn’t be demonized the way it is. If anyone has more questions about my experiences, feel free to ask! 💓
