Sometimes I think I'm too "new" to Christianity and my relationship with Jesus isn't fully developed that I am not worthy of his miracles, big and small. Then something happens that takes my breath away or brings me to tears. People acting in kindness through God. This happened to me yesterday.
I went to a Nature's Store (I don't want to say which in case someone will get in trouble) to smell which essential oils for bath bombs that I liked. Since I can't afford any I was just making a list for my birthday. A woman who worked there started talking to me and was asking about me and I ended up asking about which scents are best for anxiety, depression, and she began to ask me if I went to church and I said yes and told her about Celebrate Recovery, and we got to talking about that and how she's wanted to go to McHenry's The Chapel. She then started thinking and looking around for a supplement to help stress, and asked if I tried Magnesium. I told her I used to take it for pain and stress but it upset my stomach too much. Apparently there is a magnesium supplement for sensitive stomachs (Magnesium Glycinate). Of course, $20 I couldn't afford i, I couldn't afford the $8.99 essential oil I wanted.
Then she said, "you know what? I'll buy this for you". I tried to not accept, I felt incredibly bad, she just told me to pay it forward when I can, and boy do I look forward to that day when I can. She told me to stop back in and let her know how I was doing and even if I don't have money just to come in to chat. I was so moved. If you have pain issues, anxiety, sleep issues, inflammation, depression, restless legs, headaches, muscle spasms magnesium is supposed to work great, which is why I used to take it, but it upset my stomach. This is called Magnesium Glycinate which is made specifically for sensitive stomachs. Just a little FYI. It's only my second day taking it but I'll update if I see improvements. When I had my blood test done it showed I had probably 3 or 4 times the "normal" inflammation number in my blood so I don't make up pain I am in everyday with my back & neck that leads to headaches...,so hopefully this will help that. It's supposed to. I'm hoping so since it seems God pretty much sent it straight to me.
It's sad that they say those who turn to God and religion are weak. That they can't take care of themselves so they have to believe in something "imaginary". I think it makes us strong. Most people have to hit rock bottom to believe, in my case it was rock bottom and witnessing the blessings that only God could provide to the people I live with.
Since I am still newly Christian I do go back and fourth. I forget to pray...it hasn't become a habit. I forget to Thank God. I notice in those times, something always happens to bring me back to Him. It is always when I start to think "I got this" I get metaphorically slapped in the face. Like "Girl, you don't have this, I do, and you can't do it without me". In a loving way, of course. Because then, in little ways...he does deliver. I am living with this amazing family that somehow hasn't given up on me when most of mine has (and I can't blame them). I have this amazing boyfriend who may have given up on me (my own doubts because I again can't understand why I am loved) but knows I'm in too delicate a place to just kick me to the curb. Sometimes I feel God has that dangling over my head...like...if I don't get going, he'll take away Russ, and in that where I live and Russ's family. It scares me a lot. Sometimes I worry about that way more than I should and under pressure and worry instead of changing, I fold. I cave. I'm not saying God IS doing this, I am saying it's a worry of mine.
Some people, negative reinforcement gets them going. My family was a negative reinforcement family. It works on my brother. "You don't think I can? I'll show you". Negative reinforcement on me? "You don't think I can? I must not be able to". I'm a person in need of positive reinforcement."You really think I can? Maybe I can do this". It differs from person to person. I think it's an important thing people need to understand about other people. It's pretty easy to tell the difference. If they are competitive, negative reinforcement usually works. If they aren't...positive reinforcement is best, at least in my experience. I'm not competitive at all which is why I never played sports or anything competitive. I love board games but I don't losing at all. I play for the fun of it. Now, when I win (because it rarely happens) I will certainly gloat. Not to put the other players down, but in being surprised and proud.
I got a new Bible and new highlighters that don't leak through the pages and are fun to use...it takes my learning about Jesus and God to another level. Instead of just hearing scriptures, I can go back, read around them and really soak them in. One scripture I had never heard before at group the other night that I truly need to apply to my life:
"It is dangerous to be concerned with what others think of you, but if you trust the Lord, you are safe". Proverbs 29.25 (GNB)
This hits home because all I do is care what others think. I think worse case scenario, and I have had more than one person say rude horrible things to me that confirm what I thought they thought of me in the first place, and what I think of myself. Maybe it's because I put my heart on a sleeve, maybe I am this "master manipulator", but I've also been told things I couldn't even fathom a person doing let alone thinking it up myself. I've been accused of faking my depression to be a victim which boggles my mind. Take a look at my medical records for the past 18 years. That's a long time to put on a show. The hate in some people,
I know I'm not a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good anything. Depression is not an excuse but it does decapitate me in a lot of ways. But I know those who stick it out with me, I love deeply and I try to show and say that when I can because those few people, I pray I can be there for someday in the capacity that they are there for me. I pray doctors can find a solution besides constantly experimenting. I pray God gives me the strength to do other things that eases the depression. I want to be there for those who have been there for me free of judgement, and if they have judgement they at least have the decency to keep it to themselves instead of kick me at my lowest. Which I understand can be hard to do. I'm not the easiest person always. One thing I do know though...I am not a bad person, I am not a vindictive person. Do I get hurt easily? I do...but that's because I care so much about people, about what people think of me, about how I can make things up to them. I love people. Which is why I majored in Psychology to understand, empathize and continue to love those, even those who are damaged.
This is long enough for today. I hope you one person reading this have a wonderful weekend. ;)
