Healing Leaps

My new therapist is really amazing. She’s a unicorn!!! 🦄

She was so incredibly engaged, giving me so much more feedback than I have ever received. She is psychedelic friendly, autistic friendly (this has been the hardest, finding a therapist that isn’t intimidated by me being autistic), works with Internal Family Systems …as well as doing a generous sliding scale for me.  She’s so compassionate and helped clarify a lot of things.

When I gave my family history, she told me this is very much a narcissistic family dynamic which I’ve suspected for a while because when I read about the narcissistic family dynamic, I was reading about my family so accurately it was •wild•.

 

 
It became extremely apparent when my dad died, how many “flying monkeys” my family has in this town. The fact that those who did come, felt it was acceptable to completely pass me up like I didn’t exist in front of my dad’s casket …when I was in the family line, is just unfathomable. This town is too small and I really wish I could start over somewhere else. Somewhere away from those who’ve been influenced by my family or have judged how I’ve had to cope with it in the past, and even the present. I expected some who always show a lot of support on social media to have come, especially when I asked for the extra support and it was so close in proximity to this small town. Instead I was flabbergasted at how many I thought would show, did not. I now sit here wondering if people are pretending to support me so I continue letting them see personal information just to pass along to my family because yes, I have been told before I have spies on my Facebook and my mom often has known information I never shared with her.

 

It is really helpful to have a professional quite literally say the things about my family dynamics I’ve been screaming into the void about, for years.  It’s been incredibly validating. I have given the ugly parts I’ve participated in as well… and she said “you are constantly being set up. I don’t even think you realize how much but that’s all they’re doing is baiting you, trying to get a reaction out of you so they can hold it against you.” 

She kept repeating things I’d say & perspectives with “wow, exactly… that’s such a great way to describe that.” I am finally feeling seen for all the hard work I’ve done, without therapists. She sent me an email after that said: 

 

"Hi Jenny,

I am so glad we met today and I am looking forward to walking this path beside you as you continue to grow!  You have worked so hard and I admire that greatly, so many people walk through life completely out of touch with themselves.  You, you are evolving, leveling up if you will, it's a beautiful, albeit difficult, thing.  You are a warrior. 

 

One day you will not have to be, but until then, you are.  What you are doing is not just for you, you are healing for yourself but in the process you are sharing it with others.  That is true leveling up. Awesome.  I'm looking forward to next week already."

Now that I have an amazing therapist to process these things out with, I am so hopeful. I am hopeful I won’t need to look for support from those incapable of providing it for much longer (social media). I want to have a more private life. I don’t want to write about things that people will judge, misconstrue and share with the very people I’m trying to heal from. Unfortunately not all of us are blessed with big support systems, but I am learning I have a giant support system of parts within me thanks to Internal Family Systems Therapy.  I highly suggest looking into this new therapy if you struggle with any kind of trauma if behavioral therapies haven't been successful. This is a pure compassion based therapy, and compassion and love is the only thing that truly heals.

I even reached out to a few old friends, as I thought they’d want to know my dad died and I was completely ignored. It didn’t hurt, it actually made me feel validated because there is no longer a tiny part of me that wonders if I was wrong about their character. I don’t know what kind of people, especially self proclaimed “empaths” ignore someone who reaches out about their dad’s death and can’t even express sincere condolences. I wasn’t expecting or even wanting to rekindle our past "friendships"... I thought they’d want to know because I’d want to know, rocky past or not, if the situation were reversed and I found out. Pain is pain and losing a parent is one of the hardest things we will experience in life. Those unable to offer any compassion, empathy or even sympathy at this time, it does say a lot more about their character than mine. It truly does. Even the worst kind of person deserves compassion during difficult times and I am not close to a bad person.

Despite fall-outs or issues with people, if •any• of them had the courage to be vulnerable with me and express their need for help… first of all…that’s so incredibly brave. Second, the past wouldn’t matter, all that would matter is supporting the person that is struggling. Those who are struggling are so much more important than our egos. Despite many claiming they’ve grown, they’re clearly still very consistent on their conditional empathy and support. True growth is being able to have true empathy even for those we may not care much for...when someone is struggling. We should always have compassion for those struggling. Always. Sadly compassion is something that people either have never understood, or have greatly lost the understanding of, especially these last two years.

While this is talking about the pandemic, it applies everywhere and it is a phenomenal explanation of empathy vs sympathy. Sadly so many were incapable of even finding any sympathy for me when my dad died. If that doesn’t point to a giant problem in the general perception people have of me in this town, I don’t know what does. When losing a parent, no one should have to grapple with the widespread rejection I’m having to grapple with. It is utter hell, even when I know that again, it says so much more about these people, than it does me. That these are clearly not people I want in my life...it's been utter hell.

I share a lot, but I keep inside so much more when it comes things that have gone on inside my family because unlike what most believe, I actually am not trying to humiliate them. I’m processing, reaching out for confirmation that this behavior isn’t normal (because narcissists are quite literally masters at making people second guess things, even when they have proof... and I’ve been surrounded by it my entire life). Sharing some of this can also help others become aware and understand these behaviors are not acceptable for them to experience, either.

For those who have truly supported me throughout this journey with no judgments and an open mind, I am so grateful. Sadly… when my dad died, it felt like again, I was seeing who means it, and who doesn’t. Maybe I’m making assumptions, but actions speak louder than words and actions have been falling incredibly short even by those who claim they support me.  I’ve been asking for years those still living in this area…even before the pandemic to come hang out, outside, play a card/board game… listen to music, swim… anything to help me with this massive social isolation....and the lack of response would be humiliating if it didn’t say so much more about the people ignoring me, than it does me.

When I became chronically ill, I learned who were true friends and who weren’t. When I went into autistic shutdown for three years, and was stuck in bed… I lost more. I thought I was done weeding out those who were incapable of offering the support or basic decency I needed. Then the pandemic hit and I lost even more…too many would rather people like me continue to be completely shut in and lose multiple freedoms, just so they don’t have to mask. I don’t regret losing those people, like I said, if they aren't capable of giving me basic decency, I don't want them in my life...but being homebound 95-99% of the time the last 7 (in my 8th year), makes it difficult to find my “found family”. I know it’s a slow process, and I have found/became closer to a few wonderful people these last two years, sadly none of them live around here, and having in person support is also, so crucial.

I feel a lot of change coming and it's utterly terrifying.  I've done as much work as I can on my own, and now I need help to dig into the things I've been too afraid to, alone. I know it'll be good changes in the long run but, needless to say, it's terrifying. Any giant leap in healing are often extremely difficult...releasing and feeling so much pain we didn't allow ourselves to feel before. I know it'll eventually be better...I'm still flabbergasted at the results from the last leap...I'm already at a place I never imagined I could be. I am really looking forward to seeing who I'll be once I'm done with this leap. I have learned to have so much appreciation and love for every version of myself, because she got me here. I am so grateful I'll be able to learn to lean on myself more, for support. I am grateful I have a therapist I can trust to help walk me this path through my biggest leap in healing yet (I can feel it and have I mentioned it's terrifying?!). I am grateful I'm finally understanding the kind of treatment and respect I'm worthy of. I'm so grateful to have more self love and compassion than I've ever had in my entire life.